Charlie Sheen’s Would-Be Porn Star Babysitter Critiques His Performance

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The real problem with partying with Charlie Sheen‘s porn star friends isn’t that eventually you’ll be hauled away on a hospital gurney covered in cocaine and good times (though you definitely will). It’s that, as professionals, they know immediately when your drug-fueld performance is below sub-par…and they’re not too embarrassed to talk about it. In an interview with E!, porn star Kacey Jordan talks about Charlie Sheen’s performance in bed, as brief as it might have been. “I used protection, but I didn’t think I was going to have sex with him, he was so f—ed up,” Jordan blabs. “Didn’t last very long. It was okay. When you’re that high, a girl like me had to help him out.” We were going to joke about Sheen’s adult film friends holding up score cards ala the Olympics, but give it a day. Tomorrow we’ll probably find out that actually happened.

Even if Jordan hadn’t come forward and spilled the beans, the fantasy she revealed about Sheen using porn star babysitters at his porn star mansion would never have come true. After Kacey explained Charlie’s tawdry request on Good Morning America, Sheen’s ex Denise Richards tweeted about Jordan, retorting “If you caught ‘GMA’ today..FYI.. No ‘adult film star’ will be babysitting our kids!” Maybe Denise jumped the gun a little, given that Kacey used babysit Britney Spears‘ kids after her divorce from Kevin Federline. Hmm, a professional babysitter AND an adult film star? Is there anything this girl isn’t good at? Besides keeping famous people’s secrets, that is?

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