John Travolta Thinks He Has Scientology Healing Powers, Says Josh Brolin

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All religions sound a little odd if you aren’t a participating member, but Scientology is leading the wacky pack. Following Kelly Preston’s silent birth, the church’s rampant homophobia and everything Tom Cruise has done in the past seven years is Josh Brolin‘s new claim (in an epic article about the Scientology in the New Yorker) that  John Travolta tried to heal Marlon Brando with his hands. Why do we even spend money at the movies when we get stories like this for free? According to Brolin, he first visited the church a “moment of real desperation” for “auditing,” thinking that the success of stars such as Cruise and Travolta might be based on their religious affiliation, not realizing of course that they are all insane in the membrane.

Later, Brolin saw the wonder of Scientology in action at a dinner party in L.A. When movie legend Brando arrived with a cut on his leg sustained helping a stranded car, Travolta informed him that he had reached a new level of Scientology, put his hands on Brando’s leg, and attempted to heal him of his pain. We seriously need a cigarette after this story; that’s how good it is. “I watched this process going on—it was very physical,” recalls Brolin. “I was thinking, This is really f—ing bizarre! Then, after ten minutes, Brando opens his eyes and says, ‘That really helped. I actually feel different!’” We guess curing people with the laying on of hands isn’t a completely foreign idea in our society. Plenty of people have done it, like Jesus and…um, the X-Men. Travolta’s lawyers have dismissed the story as “pure fabrication,” but if it’s anything like the “untrue” rumors about Travolta’s gay affairs, we look forward seeing John Travolta: Superstar hit Broadway any day now.