Last week, we posted a list of the 10 Best Ridiculous Non-Football-Related Super Bowl Bets, along with betting recommendations and my usual hilarious commentary (the true winner was ZINGERS! Money and Good Use Of Time, not so much).
Hopefully, no one misinterpreted this post as just some fun, throwaway gimmicky thing exploring humorous pop culture Super Bowl bets, and instead, you all took it super literally (as intended) and went out and laid down tens of thousands of dollars crucial to your family’s survival on wacky wagers at my recommendation (NOW who’s laughing at these wagers, people in the first half of this sentence? Your starving children aren’t, that’s who. I sure showed…someone somewhere, I forget).
With the Super Bowl over, it’s time to re-explore the Super Bowl Prop Bets and see how we did. SPOILER ALERT: Really badly. But think of the smiles we had! And smiles are the only true thing ever. Now ONTO THE BET$:
10. How long will Christina Aguilera hold the note “Brave” at the end of the National Anthem?
Over 6 seconds: -140
Under 6 seconds: EVEN
OUR BET: Under.
ACTUAL RESULT: Over.
O-for-1. Christina came in Under on the total length of the anthem, posssssssibly because she forgot a verse, but the “brave” at the end easily topped the 6 second cutoff. I predicted she’d be guilted into toning it down a bit because of some pregame ceremony for, say, the Tucson victims or soldiers in general or something, but nope — that performance was As Xtina As I Wanna Be (remember Dennis Rodman’s book? Yes I’m changing the subject because I blew this.) We’re down $100.
9. What Color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team?
Clear/Water : 2/1
Lime Green: 5/1
OUR BET: Yellow.
ACTUAL RESULT: Orange.
And we’re 0-for-2. I did like the semi-longshot Orange but panicked and overthought this one — as anyone who’s decided to bet on the color of the Gatorade being dumped at the end of a Super Bowl has already done — and advocated for the failed favorite Yellow. You might be able to get a “No Action” from your Sports Book by arguing that the colors taste exactly the same so it’s technically a tie, but they’ll probably be all like “ooohhh noooo we remember things look at ussss we’re like MEMORY PROFESSORS” and disallow it. Buncha d*cks.
8. How Many Times will FOX mention “Brett Favre” on TV during the Game?
(Wager is on the number of times “Brett Favre” will be mentioned on TV during the Game from kick off until final whistle. Live commentary only, Any Taped or Past Video does not count towards wager, must say “Brett Favre” exactly.)
Over 2.5: -140
Under 2.5: EVEN
OUR BET: Under.
ACTUAL RESULT: Under.
Yay! Finally some CA$$$$H MONEY$$$$$$$$$ I don’t recall a single “Brett Favre” mention after the kickoff (there was one in the 6-6:15 range), so for once, I am happy about a thing that Joe Buck was anywhere near.
At even money, assuming we bet $100 on the first three wagers, we’re back up to -$100. Wooo! “We bumped it up to a RISKY!”
7. Who will the Super Bowl MVP of the Game thank first?
Does Not Thank Anyone: +200
OUR BET: Teammates.
ACTUAL RESULT: Unclear.
Upon winning the award, Rodgers said exactly, “Gotta give credit to our defense, you know, this is a great group of men,” but he never precisely used the word “Thank” in his entire speech, so it’s up to the sports books to interpret whether or not “giving credit” to his defense counts as thanking them, or if the result was “Does Not Thank Anyone.” I’m guessing they’ll pick whichever result works out better for them, since they’re sharks in fedoras flipping cards back and forth in their fins and loving money.
Technically, we’re still at -$100, but in terms of sentiment, I believe my rationale here was RIGHT ON THE NOSE. #Braglebrag.
6. Will Christina Aguilera wear a cowboy hat while singing the National Anthem?
OUR BET: No.
ACTUAL RESULT: No.
Unfortunately, there was no “No” option to bet on any sites, so instead of winning an easy couple bucks (probably $25-$30 on a $100 bet, if the “No” odds were slightly worse than 1-to-3), we’ll just chalk this one up to you saving CA$$$$H because of my ex$$$ellent recommendation. The more dollar signs I put into words, the better I am, in life.
5. If there is a picture of someone holding the Lombardi Trophy on the Cover of the USA Today on Monday February 7th, who will it be?
(If 2 or more people are holding trophy all wagers will be No Action. Must be a clear picture of 1 person holding the trophy or wagers will be No Action.)
Aaron Rodgers: 3/2
Ben Roethlisberger: 3/1
Troy Polamalu: 12/1
Clay Matthews: 15/1
Mike Tomlin: 18/1
Mike McCarthy: 18/1
Any Other Pittsburgh Player: 2/1
Any Other Green Bay Player: 2/1
Any Other Person: 15/1
Jerry Jones: 100/1
OUR BET: Clay Matthews.
ACTUAL RESULT: No Action.
Aaron Rodgers was pictured on the USA Today front page, but not holding the Lombardi Trophy, so no one’s a winner. Although, Clay Matthews was onstage with Rodgers at the end and is in every damn picture of the game, even though he had a relatively modest game (3 tackles, and a forced fumble that was a two-person tackle but after the game credit for the fumble just went to Matthews because his hair’s very distinguishable and we already forgot the other dude).
So again, no money, but my rationale (Clay Matthews will be in every picture possible) was accurate. And really, isn’t ACCURA$$$Y more important than fickle, flimsy money in this workaday world we live in, especially when it comes to betting money? “DEFINITELY” – All Gamblers.
4. Will Fergie be dressed as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader at any point during the Halftime show?
(Must be completely dressed as an authentic Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader for Yes to be graded as the winner.)
OUR BET: Yes.
ACTUAL RESULT: No.
Like the Matthews longshot, I figured this was worth a $20 gamble just so humankind could have something slim and fleeting to hope for during the Black Eyed Peas’ terrific standing there show, but alas, there is now officially nothing left to hope for, bet or otherwise.
So we’re down to -$120. But humanity is gonna end soon, so if we invest our remaining money in milk (which will be worth like $1,000,000,000 in the Peas-caused post-apocalyptic warzone of the future), we’ll come out ahead in the long run. MAN am I good at giving betting advice.
3. Who will FOX show first on TV during the game?
Jessica Szohr (Aaron Rodgers’ Girlfriend): -140
Ashley Harlan (Ben Roethlisberger’s Fiancee): EVEN
ACTUAL RESULT: No Action.
Getty Images doesn’t even show a single result for “Ashley Harlan” in their database of 900 skillion images, so we knew for sure that she wasn’t gonna suddenly pop up in Texas Jack Nicholson’s front-row seat, but Fox didn’t cut to Szohr either, unless it happened right after the Mendenhall fumble when I whipped my Rolling Rock at my screen and shattered it but Fox cut back away before the new tv I bought right afterwards to replace it got hooked up.
Either way, we definitely didn’t lose money on this one. Besides the $45.1 million to replace the tv (I had a Picasso stored inside it, against my roommate’s advice. Bad decisions all around last night.)
2. Which region will have the higher local TV Rating?
Green Bay: EVEN
OUR BET: Pittsburgh.
ACTUAL RESULT: A Tie, Apparently.
According to Variety at the time of this printing (printing megabytez, not ink): “The game earned a huge 59.7 rating in both Pittsburgh and Milwaukee.” Really? Exact to a decimal place?
I guess sportswriters’ lazy-ass pandering columns about the towns’ blue collarness are all interchangeable for a reason.
1. Which Super Bowl commercial will have a higher rating on USA Today’s annual Ad Meter?
Bud Light 11/4
Pepsi Max 6/1
OUR BET: Other.
ACTUAL RESULT: Tie between Doritos and Bud Light
The Doritos and Bud Light commercials with dogs in them formed USA Today’s first-ever tie for “Best Ad.” I am not intimately familiar with Bodog’s tiebreaking procedure for Super Bowl Ad Meter related bets (I only minored in that), but I’m guessing that the only possible result here is a No Action, saving my prediction of “Other” from losing you money. YOU’RE WELCOME, YOU.
CONCLU$ION: Overall, we got 2 bets right, 3 bets wrong, one other bet kinda right but technically not, one other bet kinda wrong but technically not, and three of the bets were “No Action.” With our betting stipulations ($100 for the decent-odds ones, $20 or so for the longshots), we technically finished down $120 in the ledger, and possibly worse depending on Bodog’s interpretations of some outcomes, but in the FUNDGER, the ledger of fun, we came out ahead by exactly one billion fun dollars. And each fun dollar is worth three thousand regular money dollars.
In short, we are now all literally trillionaires. I’d like to thank my teammates, Christina Aguilera’s non hat, the USA Today Ad-o-meter, the attempted Clay Matthews pics, and most of all, made-up Vegas, for giving me the made-up money I made up.
It’s been real ya’ll (real RICH) — see you all again next year when I dissect the Wacky Prop Bets for Super Bowl 46 on my golden computer inside my diamond rocketship over my sapphire WI-FI. Bye! [Dies]