TOP CHEF ALL-STARS RECAP: Is Top Chef, Not Top Fallon!

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It’s Episode 9 of Top Chef All-Stars, entitled “Feeding Fallon”, and as we know from the previews last week, we’re not talking about SNL alum and character actress Siobhan Fallon, we’re talking about SNL alum and Late Night host Fallon Comma Jimmy. How will the chefs who are already effing crazy react to this celebrity news? I am guessing they will be super reserved.

CARRRRLA, what did I just predict?

Tre was eliminated last week, and the remaining chefs are absolutely shocked. Actually no, not shocked, what’s that other word? Ah, “Mostly indifferent because they finally realize that someone will be eliminated every episode as per the entire concept of the show so there’s no reason to act devastated when it happens.” In German, the word is “Tuppenchifrenzung.”

For the second straight episode, the chefs hash things out at the trendy New York bar that only serves designer drinks and coffee from outside:

For the Quickfire, the chefs must “Make a fondue.” Fondues are designed to be enticing and non imaginary, just like clothing, and because of that, please welcome back Guest Judge Isaac Mizrahi!

Ahhh! Just woke up in a cold sweat. The guest judge this week isn’t Isaac Mizrahi, it’s actually…the chefs themselves. Because we’re a teeny bit short on cash this week, despite the giant sack of gold coins with a dollar sign on it that Buitoni just gave Bravo to get this shot of the Top Chef apartment freezer:

Even Tiberius Q. Buitoni Esq. himself doesn’t have a freezer like that. Richard’s like “this one’s my favorite, it’s really good.” Haha, relax Richard, you’re not gonna get eliminated before the Finale — leave the whoring to Mike and Antonia (and that woman from two seasons ago who poured Dr. Pepper in her dish).

Back to the Fondoodoo (hehehe) — Antonia has no experience with fondues, but she suddenly gets an idea and is all, “I don’t know where my ideas come from, I’m like some sort of culinary wizardgod!” Then Richard’s like, “I would win if we had an actual judge, but people are intimidated by me cause I can do a lot of things they can’t do.” Did another “Step Up The Arrogance” producer memo make its way around this week?

Richard’s suddenly arrogant, Antonia’s suddenly super arrogant, and Michael, who was already super arrogant, is now a fat fish:

The Top Chef Character Progression goes: Regular > Arrogant > Super Arrogant > Fat Fish. Which, if you haven’t read it, is definitely one of the more underrated Dr. Seuss books.

Alright, we’re like 9 million words in and we’re not even done with the Quickfire, so let’s go to the lightning round:

BOTTOM 3: Fabio, Tiffany, Michael. “Dale, you had Michael on the bottom, tell us why? While you’re backpedaling, I’m going to shake up this ant farm and see if they fight.”

TOP 3: Antonia, Dale, Angelo. Dale’s Phooondue wins him a trip to the TopChefCo Winery in Napa. Congratulations, you f***in’ monkey! (Mike’s words, not mine. To me, if Dale’s any primate, he’s a Swear Gibbon.)

Enough firing quickly, it’s Elimination time, which starts on the set of Late Night With Jimmy Fallon! The chefs are so excited, they could spit:

The Contestanchefts play a rousing round of “Cell Phone Shootout” with Jimmy, where they take turns snapping cell phone pics of a rotating clip of foods to determine which dish they’ll have to prepare for Jimmy’s birthday lunch. The game is spirited and unique for us Top Chef faithful, and alienating as all f*cksh*t for the 97% of the crowd that has no idea what is going on. DEAL WITH IT, AMERICA. (Title of my new conservative bestseller that tells it like it is and is no-nonsense. The comma is a veteran.)

Some chefs are happy with their foodsignments, like Carla with her Chicken Pot Pie (and also with her anything), while others are not-a so happy, like Fabio who gets stuck making a burger. “Booger. Booger? Burger. I can’t even pronounce it.” Vultures begin making nests in Fabio’s stubble.

Antonia gets stuck with beef tongue, as we saw in last week’s incredibly unirritating preview clip, and she asks Richard for advice on how to cook it, because Richard is clearly the best chef on the show and it’s really funny that they’re all nominally in competition with him. Speaking of ‘really funny,’ Richard helping Antonia prompts quite possibly the best quote of the season, from Michael:

“I mean there’s $200,000 on the line, I can’t risk someone doing a better dish than me because I’m helping them.” – Michael Isabella, 2011

Hahaha! Don’t worry Mike, because 1) No one will ever ask you for help, 2) No one would win because you helped them, and 3) You are literally a fish.

Fat Fish say the darnedest things. Remember that show on CBS? Hosted by Gill Cod-sby?

It’s lunch time, and first up is Fabio’s trepidatious burger, made from ground lamb, pork, I think quail or something, and soylent green, with cheese sauce on the side:

The diners all praise Fabio’s burger, until Gail and Tom cut in with their palates and are like “No no it’s terrible everyone, really it is” and everyone’s initial reactions are discarded. Throughout the rest of the meal, Jimmy Fallon comes off as legitimately interested in analyzing the food and excited about being a part of the show, and he, his family, announcer Steve Higgins, and head writer A.D. Miles joke around organically, rather than really forced… let’s call it… “being Toby Young”ing.

Also they whip out a huge novelty fork:

And after 35 entrees, Jimmy is presented with a cake that no one at the table can possibly actually want to eat at this point:

THE TOP 3: Carla, Angelo, Antonia

Carla wanted chicken pot pie and she delivered, Suddenly Arrogant Antonia is in the top for a second straight week with her beef tongue, and Angelo delivers on his pulled pork. Jimmy announces that the winning chef will get their own cooking segment on Late Night, to which Angelo responds, “Now I REALLY want to win! Since we all already cooked, I’m gonna hope so much harder in these testimonials.”

Carla wins her third challenge of the season, and her third trip of the season, because surprise! She’s going to Tokyo for eight days. She reacts exactly as you’d expect.

THE BOTTOM 3: Dale, Tiffany, Fabio

Fabio’s burger turned out badly, as predicted, Tiffany’s chicken and dumplings didn’t look like chicken or dumplings (Tom points out that “Chicken and dumplings is so much about the dumplings.” The other thing that it is about is the chicken.), and Dale is in the bottom for a second straight week for turning in the Angelina Jolie “Who Is Salt?” poster.

Dale’s been doing well enough this season to stick around, so we know it’s once again a question of “can Fabio’s charisma earn him yet another stay of execution from the Bravo producers?” It cannot — Fabio is asked to pack his charm spoons and go.

After getting pissed at Antonia for winning with mussels last week, Fabio is extremely upbeat, pleasant, and classy upon his elimination, shaking everyone’s hand and smiling throughout his exit interviews.

Awww, how can we stay mad at you? You’re back in the show!

Next Week: Sesame Street Muppets come to Top Chef, then everyone cooks in a Target. “Elmo like tilapia on futon!” Top We Definitely Understand Why All This Is Happening All Stars!

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