10 THINGS ABOUT HIPSTERS THAT MAKE ME SO MAD

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Everyone on the internet makes fun of hipsters constantly. It’s easy to do – hipsters are in many ways both ridiculous and annoying. In 2007, internet hipster-ridicule seemed to peak with the “Hipster Olympics” sketch video, a thorough and spot-on parody that got 2.5 million views and basically summed up all there is to ever say about hipster culture.

Still, almost four years later, internet lists abstractly ripping on hipsters continue to go super-viral on a near-daily basis, such as last week’s Hipster Little Mermaid Meme, to the point where the vague, niche concept of the hipster has essentially spawned more crappy things online making fun of hipsters than there actually are hipsters in the world (and I live in Brooklyn, and have nothing against these people that the internet appears to vehemently despise).

Rather than continue to point out that hipster humor is a long-exhausted, formulaic dead horse of easy viral material, I’ve decided I might as well just hop on board. Here’s my contribution to the online hipster humor zeitgeist, a list of 10 THINGS ABOUT HIPSTERS THAT MAKE ME SO MAD:

10. Their Black Glasses

What is up with those? Get some regular glasses you d*cks! “Oh, look at me, my glasses are black and all like thick and sh*t.” Tell me if you can read this: SHUT UP.

9. They Love Pitchfork

Man do they love that website Pitchfork. Buncha d*cks making sh*t music for d*cks and d*cks writing about it. Why are you reading that crap? Hipsters should go to better websites instead of sh*tty stupid ones like that one.


8. They Do Everything Ironically

Hey look at me, I’m doing this thing but I’m not actually doing it because it’s ironic! That’s what hipsters are ALWAYS like. Hey check it out, tiny Alf T-shirt! Guess what? That t-shirt sucks and so do you. And no, I’m NOT being ironic.

7. They All Do Yoga And Eat Organic

Hey wanna go to brunch, there’s this new FREEGAN place on Dumbstreet, it’s called “Place” cause it’s too cool to have a name and also everyone’s like doing Pilates there. Hey hipsters, you know what meal I love? LUNCH. Not ORGANIC magic window garden lunch, just regular lunch. It’s a meal. TRY IT.

6. They Think They’re So Cool

Laugh at things? Why would I laugh at things and smile when I can stand here like a big dipsh*t and look like I’m not caring? Oh, what’s that you got there, some really cool thing? PSHHH. I don’t care, I’m too cool. MAN I can’t stand that they do that.

5. They Like All This Obscure Music

Hey, have you heard of this new band, they’re called D*CKTW*T, it’s three Siberian babies and a goat with a washboard, they’re playing at this organic coffee shop I like, wanna go see them? Oh no, they released an EP now they’re too popular for me, cause I’m a hipster. UGHHHHH.

4. They’re All Rich But They Pretend To Be Poor

Lemme live in this shack with sh*t smeared all over the walls cause I’m like this Bohemian artist even though my dad’s like the President of the U.S.A. and he sends me a check for a zillion dollars every day and I pretend like I hate him and keep wearing these like super old jeans. YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE YOU HIPSTER SCUM!

3. They Hate The Mainstream

“That’s too mainstream for me, I don’t like it!” is what hipsters are always like whenever they see stuff. Has anyone ever noticed that ever? Could they possibly hate the mainstream more? It’s like, are they talking about Hitler or are they talking about the mainstream, I’m confused cause they hate them both the same. Like, did the mainstream molest them as a child??

2. Their Clothes Are So Stupid

Should we throw away these used American Apparel leggings and ratty teal scarf from the 1930s? No, sell them to a vintage store so some stupid hipster can buy them for a billion trust fund dollars and wear it to their vinyl wine & cheese parties. Don’t do any of that you assh*le! Wear normal things and stop being so f***ing stupid.

1. They Don’t Like Regular Stuff

“We don’t like normal stuff we only like this other stupid stuff, we’re hipsters.” Just like regular stuff instead of your stupid weird stuff, you weird d*cks! What a bunch of d*cks. UGH. Hipsters.