This Sunday night, all of America will convene into our metaphoric “Lady Caves” to watch the 83rd Annual Academy Awards, hosted by James Franco and Anne “No Seriously” Hathaway.. Before we even continue, you should be following BWEtv, Me and Dan on Twitter, as we will be Livetweeting the festivities this Sunday night.
The Oscars are looking to shape up to be one of the most predictable Oscars ever!! So predictable, in fact, that our minds have braintraveled over to the offices of PricewaterhouseCoopers and seen the winners list! Kind of like the aliens in Independence Day, only the only resources we’re stealing are Hollywood answers.
Here are your winners!! This is like getting the Sports Almanac in Back to the Future II before the games, people. Fill those ballots out now.
Actor in a Leading Role
* Javier Bardem in “Biutiful”
* Jeff Bridges in “True Grit”
* Jesse Eisenberg in “The Social Network”
* Colin Firth in “The King’s Speech”
* James Franco in “127 Hours”
Our Reasoning: Duh 2 Tha Max. Colin Firth is not only by far this year’s Best Actor, he is also the winner of the Best Person On Earth award.
Actor in a Supporting Role
* Christian Bale in “The Fighter”
* John Hawkes in “Winter’s Bone”
* Jeremy Renner in “The Town”
* Mark Ruffalo in “The Kids Are All Right”
* Geoffrey Rush in “The King’s Speech”
Our Reasoning: No competition here. Christian Bale delivered one of the strongest and most methed out performances of the year, and Academy voters just adore a person who changes their appearance for a part. So sorry, Geoff Rush, if you really want to win again, consider amputating something next year. In our opinion, the Oscar is retroactive for his performance in Empire of the Sun, i.e. Greatest Movie Ever.
Actress in a Leading Role
* Annette Bening in “The Kids Are All Right”
* Nicole Kidman in “Rabbit Hole”
* Jennifer Lawrence in “Winter’s Bone”
* Natalie Portman in “Black Swan”
* Michelle Williams in “Blue Valentine”
Our Reasoning: It’s about time Hollywood reward someone for starving themselves. Congrats, Natalie Portman, you were 2010′s Skinniest Lady. Also if there’s one thing the elderly AMPAS voters love, it’s lesbian sex scenes. Double shoe in!
Actress in a Supporting Role
* Amy Adams in “The Fighter”
* Helena Bonham Carter in “The King’s Speech”
* Melissa Leo in “The Fighter”
* Hailee Steinfeld in “True Grit”
* Jacki Weaver in “Animal Kingdom”
Our Reasoning: OK, her Oscar ads were definitely over the top and in bad taste. But have any of you ever even heard of Animal Kingdon? And voters are definitely not going to give it to a 14 year old, or a woman whose shoes don’t match. Amy Adams did gain a minimally obtrusive beer belly for The Fighter, but in a competition of “Who looked like worse sh*t?”, Leo is a lock.
* “Alice in Wonderland”
Production Design: Robert Stromberg; Set Decoration: Karen O’Hara
* “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1”
Production Design: Stuart Craig; Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan
Production Design: Guy Hendrix Dyas; Set Decoration: Larry Dias and Doug Mowat
* “The King’s Speech”
Production Design: Eve Stewart; Set Decoration: Judy Farr
* “True Grit”
Production Design: Jess Gonchor; Set Decoration: Nancy Haigh
Our Reasoning: Camman, that floating sequence had to be worth at least one little golden man.
* “Black Swan” Matthew Libatique
* “Inception” Wally Pfister
* “The King’s Speech” Danny Cohen
* “The Social Network” Jeff Cronenweth
* “True Grit” Roger Deakins
Our Reasoning: I’ve never seen grainy home video footage of a swan with a beautiful face take flight. And now… I don’t have to, thanks to Matthew Libatique.
* “Alice in Wonderland” Colleen Atwood
* “I Am Love” Antonella Cannarozzi
* “The King’s Speech” Jenny Beavan
* “The Tempest” Sandy Powell
* “True Grit” Mary Zophres
Our Reasoning: The only good thing about this movie, I Am Love, were the costumes. And the views. Unless you’re a fan of Tilda Swinton’s breast hair, in which case that would be another good thing about it. In short, I walked away from this movie with only one thought: I want to f*ck the sh*t out of the clothes in it. Boom. Oscar.
* “Black Swan” Darren Aronofsky
* “The Fighter” David O. Russell
* “The King’s Speech” Tom Hooper
* “The Social Network” David Fincher
* “True Grit” Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
Our Reasoning: It’s won everything else. That’s it. That’s my only reasoning.
* “Exit through the Gift Shop” Banksy and Jaimie D’Cruz
* “Gasland” Josh Fox and Trish Adlesic
* “Inside Job” Charles Ferguson and Audrey Marrs
* “Restrepo” Tim Hetherington and Sebastian Junger
* “Waste Land” Lucy Walker and Angus Aynsley
Our Reasoning: The only doc I’ve heard of. Good enough for me!
Documentary (Short Subject)
* “Killing in the Name” Jed Rothstein
* “Poster Girl” Sara Nesson and Mitchell W. Block
* “Strangers No More” Karen Goodman and Kirk Simon
* “Sun Come Up” Jennifer Redfearn and Tim Metzger
* “The Warriors of Qiugang” Ruby Yang and Thomas Lennon
Our Reasoning: Picking these other categories is kind of like choosing a winning horse based on its punny name. So having done no research on the category whatsoever, I’m going with Jed Rothstein, based solely on the fact that his name suggests he probably sold really good weed while studying at Dartmouth, presumably.
Foreign Language Film
* “Biutiful” Mexico
* “Dogtooth” Greece
* “In a Better World” Denmark
* “Incendies” Canada
* “Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi)” Algeria
Our Reasoning: True, 3 of the other titles all strike chords with me personally. I love love love dog teeth. “Hors-La-Loi” sounds like an ideal Algerian drag name. And “Incendies” is what I’ll tell firefighters after my house burns down following a drunken evening. Still, the power of Bardem is too strong, too powerful, too sex-chemies. And so, Biutiful it is.
* “Black Swan” Andrew Weisblum
* “The Fighter” Pamela Martin
* “The King’s Speech” Tariq Anwar
* “127 Hours” Jon Harris
* “The Social Network” Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter
Our Reasoning: Why not? Why. Not. Plus, the movie was made on the same soundstage as a gay porn. (Link NSFW) And y’all know how much people in Hollywood love gay porn. Winner!
* “Barney’s Version” Adrien Morot
* “The Way Back” Edouard F. Henriques, Gregory Funk and Yolanda Toussieng
* “The Wolfman” Rick Baker and Dave Elsey
Our Reasoning: Do you have any idea how hard it is to fix that giant f*cking purple dinosaur’s face after a sleepless night doing cocaine with Dora the Explorer? Clearly, you do not.
Music (Original Score)
* “How to Train Your Dragon” John Powell
* “Inception” Hans Zimmer
* “The King’s Speech” Alexandre Desplat
* “127 Hours” A.R. Rahman
* “The Social Network” Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross
Our Reasoning: Can you imagine how long it took to mark up the sheet music for this???? Probably minutes. Winner!
Music (Original Song)
* “Coming Home” from “Country Strong” Music and Lyric by Tom Douglas, Troy Verges and Hillary Lindsey
* “I See the Light” from “Tangled” Music by Alan Menken Lyric by Glenn Slater
* “If I Rise” from “127 Hours” Music by A.R. Rahman Lyric by Dido and Rollo Armstrong
* “We Belong Together” from “Toy Story 3″ Music and Lyric by Randy Newman
Our Reasoning: RANDY NEWMAN IS A PIMPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Animated Feature Film
* “How to Train Your Dragon” Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois
* “The Illusionist” Sylvain Chomet
* “Toy Story 3” Lee Unkrich
Our Reasoning: Camman. Not a contest. Please.
Short Film (Animated)
* “Day & Night” Teddy Newton
* “The Gruffalo” Jakob Schuh and Max Lang
* “Let’s Pollute” Geefwee Boedoe
* “The Lost Thing” Shaun Tan and Andrew Ruhemann
* “Madagascar, carnet de voyage (Madagascar, a Journey Diary)” Bastien Dubois
Our Reasoning: Read the title and name again. “Let’s Pollute” Geefwee Boedoe “Let’s Pollute” Geefwee Boedoe “Let’s Pollute” Geefwee Boedoe “Let’s Pollute” Geefwee Boedoe “Let’s Pollute” Geefwee Boedoe “Let’s Pollute” Geefwee Boedoe. GEEFWEE BEST GET UP THERE AND GIVE THE SPEECH OF HIS LIFE. (Can you even say his first name on TV? It sounds like a pig q*eef.)
Short Film (Live Action)
* “The Confession” Tanel Toom
* “The Crush” Michael Creagh
* “God of Love” Luke Matheny
* “Na Wewe” Ivan Goldschmidt
* “Wish 143” Ian Barnes and Samantha Waite
Our Reasoning: If it’s anything like the Alicia Silverstone-Cary Elwes epic 90s movie by the same name, this is the greatest thing to be produced last year.
* “Inception” Richard King
* “Toy Story 3” Tom Myers and Michael Silvers
* “Tron: Legacy” Gwendolyn Yates Whittle and Addison Teague
* “True Grit” Skip Lievsay and Craig Berkey
* “Unstoppable” Mark P. Stoeckinger
Our Reasoning: Kind of giving up at this point. I have no idea.
* “Inception” Lora Hirschberg, Gary A. Rizzo and Ed Novick
* “The King’s Speech” Paul Hamblin, Martin Jensen and John Midgley
* “Salt” Jeffrey J. Haboush, Greg P. Russell, Scott Millan and William Sarokin
* “The Social Network” Ren Klyce, David Parker, Michael Semanick and Mark Weingarten
* “True Grit” Skip Lievsay, Craig Berkey, Greg Orloff and Peter F. Kurland
Our Reasoning: Sorry, I went to the bathroom while picking the winner for this category. Who won?
* “Alice in Wonderland” Ken Ralston, David Schaub, Carey Villegas and Sean Phillips
* “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1” Tim Burke, John Richardson, Christian Manz and Nicolas Aithadi
* “Hereafter” Michael Owens, Bryan Grill, Stephan Trojansky and Joe Farrell
* “Inception” Paul Franklin, Chris Corbould, Andrew Lockley and Peter Bebb
* “Iron Man 2” Janek Sirrs, Ben Snow, Ged Wright and Daniel Sudick
Our Reasoning: Grabbing a snack and still can’t see the TV. Anything interesting happening?
Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
* “127 Hours” Screenplay by Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy
* “The Social Network” Screenplay by Aaron Sorkin
* “Toy Story 3” Screenplay by Michael Arndt; Story by John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich
* “True Grit” Written for the screen by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen
* “Winter’s Bone” Adapted for the screen by Debra Granik & Anne Rosellini
Our Reasoning: Cokey Coketalk for the win!
Writing (Original Screenplay)
* “Another Year” Written by Mike Leigh
* “The Fighter” Screenplay by Scott Silver and Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson;
Story by Keith Dorrington & Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson
* “Inception” Written by Christopher Nolan
* “The Kids Are All Right” Written by Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg
* “The King’s Speech” Screenplay by David Seidler
Our Reasoning: Inception was an interesting concept but certainly not the best written movie of the year. So the winner is The King’s Speech, mainly because can you imagine how annoying it must have been to type out all those st-st-st-st-st-stutters?
* “Black Swan” Mike Medavoy, Brian Oliver and Scott Franklin, Producers
* “The Fighter” David Hoberman, Todd Lieberman and Mark Wahlberg, Producers
* “Inception” Emma Thomas and Christopher Nolan, Producers
* “The Kids Are All Right” Gary Gilbert, Jeffrey Levy-Hinte and Celine Rattray, Producers
* “The King’s Speech” Iain Canning, Emile Sherman and Gareth Unwin, Producers
* “127 Hours” Christian Colson, Danny Boyle and John Smithson, Producers
* “The Social Network” Scott Rudin, Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca and Ceán Chaffin, Producers
* “Toy Story 3” Darla K. Anderson, Producer
* “True Grit” Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers
* “Winter’s Bone” Anne Rosellini and Alix Madigan-Yorkin, Producers
Our Reasoning: The King’s Speech has certainly seen it’s share of buzz these last few weeks. But we’re going with our gut here. The winner will be a movie starring Justin Timberlake. Just go with us on this one, trust it.