Whether or not you believe that the 2011 Oscars were the worst thing since sliced bread*, there is one thing that we can all agree on. Someone in the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences needs to pay (and pay dearly) for snubbing Corey Haim during last night’s
Death March In Memoriam segment. Admittedly, Haim burned more bridges than Dylan McKay and wore out his welcome in Hollywood circles long before his untimely passing on March 10th, 2010, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to pretend that The Coreys never existed!
Since those jerks at the Academy had the unmitigated gall to dis our favorite Dreamer of Little Dreams, we figured that we’d put together the tribute to Corey Haim that he so richly deserves.
Awww, Lukoplakia! Lucas wasn’t Corey Haim’s first movie, but it was the film that established him as a sensitive dreamer in the eyes of millions of teenage girls in the mid-eighties. He hadn’t yet morphed into full hunk status, but that didn’t stop Winona Ryder from eye-f#!%ing him somethin’ FIERCE at the end of that movie.
Before Bieber was even a tingly feeling in his teenage father’s bathing suit area, Corey Haim (and, to a lesser extent, his Lost Boys wingman Corey Feldman) was appearing on the cover of Tiger Beat, doing prodigious amounts of blow and scoring with the hottest teen chicks of the late eighties (Alyssa Milano, Nicole Eggert, etc.). For this ALONE he should’ve snagged a mention from those jealous jackanapes at the Academy.
Oh yeah, we forgot, he was also tapping Heather Graham YEARS before she was Rollergirl. Give the man some credit, Academy snobs.
Yes, Corey let drugs, alcohol and more drugs get the best of him for the better part of 20 years. There’s a lesson to be learned there, no diggity, no doubt. But even though his looks had faded, he couldn’t help but look beatific in this trade ad he took out trying to convince Hollywood to give him a second chance. I mean, look at the guy. How can you not want to at least let him audition for your movie?
Even though 99% of the scumbags who rule Hollywood viewed Haim as nothing short of a leper, the directing pair of Neveldine/Taylor cast Corey in what would be his last major motion picture (meaning, something that didn’t go straight to Netflix Instant), Crank: High Voltage. And guess what? He OWNS in it!
Sorry that you caught such a raw deal, Corey. Even though you got snubbed by those pompous jerks who run AMPAS, you can look down from upon your killer afterlife manse knowing that there are thousands, if not MILLIONS, of us who will never forget your status as one of the dreamiest teen idols of all-time. Rest in peace, bro.
*We prefer to eat bread one loaf at a time. To paraphrase Charlie Sheen**, slices are for p_ssys.
**We’re fairly certain Chuck Sheen has never said anything of the sort, but really, at this rate, it’s only a matter of time, isn’t it?