Charlie Sheen Joins Twitter, Demands Full Custody Of Kids

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Do you find yourself wanting, nay, needing more Sheen sound bites? Do you want to be able to wake up at 3:00 a.m. and find out exactly where Charlie has been riding his mercury surfboard? Well, worry no more because apparently Charlie Sheen has a Twitter account. Man, Kanye is going to have to hire a think tank to devise a new attention-getting platform, once Charlie takes over his old one. President of CBS Les Moonves criticized Sheen early today, snarking “I wish [Sheen] would have worked this hard to promote himself for an Emmy,” but we’re guessing we haven’t seen anything yet.

Not content to dominate all of media, Charlie is also out to control his family life as well, or at least his family members. According to RadarOnline, Sheen wants full custody of his twins with Brooke Mueller. “Charlie believes Brooke, at present, is not in a position to care for the children with the love and attention they need,” a source claims. “He has consulted with a lawyer about what move he can take next.” Ah, but why ask an actual competent legal professional when he can ask millions of totally uninvested bystanders? It’s like America was just waiting for a marriage of their two favorite things: social media and unstoppable train wrecks.