Aside from an increase in the number of apologies and the revelation that Mel Gibson, Sean Penn and Sylvester Stallone all think he’s awesome, Piers Morgan‘s interview with Charlie Sheen was a little low on “news”—Two And A Half Men is shuttered, Charlie’s howling like a loon to anyone who’ll listen, nuff said. The guy’s giving multiple interviews a day whether or not something’s happened since the last one. But somebody give Charlie a talk show of his own—not since Tyra Banks have we seen somebody who could fuel a hot-air balloon with their mouth. He’s so quotable he even quoted himself (“There’s this great quote going around, yes, I’m on a high drug, it’s called Charlie Sheen”)! Here’s thirteen of our favorite Sheenisms from last night.
- “It’s been a tsunami of media. And I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard. Right off the bat, sorry.”
- “That doesn’t matter. That was an old brain. I have a new brain. I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a seven-year-old. That’s how I describe myself.”
- “I have not [hit a woman], no. No, women are not to be hit. They’re to be hugged and caressed, you know?”
- “She was attacking me, though, with a small fork, like a cocktail fork. And I think she had it with her. That’s the weird part. What was she doing with a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it clearly from a buffet.”
- “I wish people would shift that focus on to themselves and their own family and their own friends and just maybe spend a little more time on their home front. And not some distant planet that is me.”
- “I don’t believe myself to be an addict. I really don’t. I think that I just ignore or smash or finally dismiss a model that I think is rooted in vintage balderdash, you know? For lack of a better word.”
- “[On Two And A Half Men] there’s always, you know, a pee-pee or a butt—you know, pooh-pooh joke or a thing and I’m being like kind right now—in ways that they make you see things or feel imagery that is — that’s just juvenile and gross. And it’s not—I don’t think it comes close to—I think it eclipses some of the stuff I’m doing out there on my most epic nights, you know?”
- [After Piers says Sheen's life is "unconventional"] Pretty good word for it. I think it’s just straight-out bitching.”
- “You’ve always got to consider the source. You look at some of these retarded zombies, these trolls that roll out of there and heading back for the rock to crawl back under before the sun peeks out—and they’re putting so much stock into the words and the thoughts and, as I have said, the gibberish of fools, and not checking anything with me.”
- “In their opinion, in their vast research, pink clouds have to go away. Can’t you spin on a pink cloud your whole life, and just be super bitching and focused?”
- “[On Dr. Drew] To like have a prognosis about somebody you’ve never been in the same room with, based on his image in a media setting? He should be ashamed of himself. I would never sit here and tell you who the heck he is or what drives or fuels him. I don’t know. Got to dismiss these clowns.”
- “You start hearing stories about they’re going to hire John Stamos. You guys do that, you deserve everything that happens later, you know. Sorry, John, you’re a lovely man. But you got on me on Howard Stern, bro, and I don’t forget anything. You know?”
- I don’t think I would trade any of it because I’m still alive, which is pretty cool.”
And that just about sums it up, doesn’t it?