In Defense Of The Liquor Store Rampage Lady


By now, you’ve most likely seen the following video of a woman going nuts in a liquor store and trashing the shelves on her way out. It’s a minor first step in the Internet’s Post-Charlie-Sheen Let’s Pay Attention To Other Things Civil War Reconstruction Era:

Everyone superhighway-wide has rushed to make fun of this lady for her viral insanity (Weird Al Jamiroquai song?), and as you’d expect, all the Youtube comments are “let us discuss this lady’s questionable actions rationally and without resorting to any form of random internet commenter racism,” but there’s a very small, specific part of me that sympathizes with her.

Here’s why:

When I was little, I really only had one dream in the world — well, I also dreamed of being an astronaut, but once freeze-dried ice cream became readily available in science center gift shops, this dream was quickly moot — but for the most part, I only had one dream: To go on a Nickelodeon Super Toy Run.

The Super Toy Run was an annual sweepstakes held by Nickelodeon where the winning kids earned a 5-minute “Toy Run,” where they could sprint around a vacant Toys R Us throwing as many toys as they could into their carts, and they’d take home whatever they managed to grab in a 5-minute span. It was essentially an exact, real-life crystallization of an eight-year-old boy’s fantasy, and I probably wanted to go on a toy run at age 8 more then than I have ever wanted anything in my life ever since.

I was never chosen for this contest, even though it was the only contest I ever actually mailed the necessary stuff in for (remember how deflated you’d get when you saw an ad for a really cool toy in a cereal box then you found out it wasn’t actually in the cereal box, you had to send away for it? NEVER MIND – no time for that, got Transformers to bury, is what you’d say). Still, I am positive that a very strong synapse somewhere in the recesses of my reptilian brain still harbors the impulse to run through a store throwing stuff off the shelves without consequence, but I’ve never had the opportunity or the guts to indulge in this fantasy, so it’s just been lingering there, festering for decades.

I’m thinking the lady in this liquor store video probably also at one point really wanted to go on a Nickelodeon Toy Run but never had the chance, and her desire to throw stuff off shelves has just been seething in her subconscious ever since. The liquor store person said some policy thing she didn’t like, she recognized the opportunity to knock over easily-reachable glass bottles, and that set her over the edge — granted, she didn’t just take the bottles, which would’ve been closer to an actual toy run, but she still indulged in the animalistic glee of throwing items off shelves on a whim.

Who among us can honestly say that what this lady does in the video doesn’t seem like incredibly satisfying fun? If a small part of you still doesn’t side with her, then get down off that free high horse you grabbed on your Nickelodeon Toy Run and share some toys with the rest of us.

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