I Don’t Even Know What To Say About Rebecca Black

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This weekend, an unknown teenager was turned into an internet sensation. Her name is Rebecca Black. Her song? “Friday.” Her angle? She is the worst tween singing sensation of all time.

But before we get to dear Rebecca, let us look at the tween bad singing bologna factory called the Ark Music Factory (“We Make Your Children Into Internet Laughinstocks!”) Here’s how we think it works:

1. You have a kid.
2. You give that kid unlimited amounts of money and stuff its entire life.
3. At 13, your kid decides it wants to be famous.
4. Your kid signs up with the Ark Music Factory.
5. Said child becomes hilarious internet meme, gets the fame it so badly wants, considers suicide as only escape.

Just how many kids are repeating through the above process? Many many many kids. Ark Music Factory had a launch gala back in February, with a live concert featuring many of their budding acts. This is a 9 minute long video from the launch. IT IS THE MOST BRILLIANT COMMENTARY ON CHILD STARDOM I HAVE EVER SEEN. Here is the video along with some bullet-pointed thoughts:

Some thoughts. Please note these are especially bitter as the 13 year old in me would have looooved to have performed on this stage.

CJ Fam. Why is this little satyr man-lady child not the actual trending celebrity on Twitter? She (?) is AMAZINGAHHH!!! Her single “Ordinary Pop Star” is, like, seriously, like, so good you guys. Don’t let the fact that 87 percent of the people who have seen it “Dislike” it. It’s great. That hair!
Devon Fox. To me, this is as bad as this boy being a prostitute in Thailand.
Abby Victor. You have zero stage presence. Give up on your dreams, and let the real stars like CJ Fam shine.
Kenyatta Lenay. Your parents should be arrested for allowing you on stage.
Power Vocalist Amanda Willams. Every annoying girl in your college A Capella group that you cannot STAND. When the man with the silky long locks behind you is upstaging you, reconsider your life choices.
Lil Nene. She’s adorable. Did Will Smith have another child? Because she’s not the worst. Good for him. Also kill me.
The Next Blond Girl. Watched this vid with a friend and I actually said “This is horrific. This is horrific.” seven times.
Quicy Jones via IPAD. Seriously BRILLIANTTTT!!!
Jolie, who simultaneously doesn’t know how to spell the french word for “Love” or “Amour.” She is mentally retarded, and I am not saying that as an insult. It is a scientific fact.
• The remainder of the singers are so incredibly bad I actually can’t list them by name. They didn’t even bother turning the microphone on for the last girl. Hooray.

Which brings me to Rebecca Black. Her single “Friday” is basically the new “Tardy For The Party,” in that it is so mindblowingly awful that it is secretly THE BEST. And it has been a Twitter Trending Topic for 3 days straight now, with the music video for the brilliant awfulness already clocking in at nearly 3 million views.

Please join the masses and tune in:

It sounds exaaaaaaactly like Justin Bieber’s “Baby,” only brings about some deeper life lessons. Which seat should she sit in? What day was yesterday? Why is there a 40 year old man rapping in a car? Why are 12 year olds f**king? WHY ARE THERE 49 SYLLABLES IN THE WORD FRIDAY??????

Rebecca Black, you have made me reconsider my life decisions. As in, I am getting pregnant ASAP, naming said child Noah, and immediately enrolling my child in the Ark Music Factory. THANK YOU FOR THIS GIFT REBECCA.