I don’t dislike the CBS show Undercover Boss, but the more I watch it, the less I’m able to stomach the incredibly forced and formulaic drama, the bosses’ humanistic grandstanding and self-congratulatory empathy, and the same three subplots repeated again and again as though we’ve never seen the show and couldn’t have predicted the entire hour just from the title. I have therefore taken the liberty of writing out the script to every episode of Undercover Boss, so we can all just read this and free up our Sunday nights for more important things. Like Celebrity Apprentice.
Every Undercover Boss Episode Ever
VOICEOVER: Krispy Kreme – A fast-food institution that nets more than $350 million a year in sales and is definitely not in need of a PR boost from a free hour of softballed human interest exposure on primetime network tv. But what happens when Krispy Kreme CEO Geoffrey J. Wallace…puts on slightly goofier glasses and an unlicensed “Swinging 60s Spy” Halloween wig? Now NO ONE will recognize Krispy Kreme CEO Geoffrey J. Wallace.
Now, Geoffrey Wallace heads to a Krispy Kreme store in Ridgeland, Mississippi to check out his business… from the inside… undercover… from the ground up… on the down-low.
Local Manager Dude: Welcome to your first day on the job, Smeffrey Smallace. Usually we start the new people on cleanup, but if you play your cards right, someday you might be makin’ the donuts.
Geoffrey Wallace: Oh I’ll try to work my way up. WIIIIIIINKKKKKKK!!!
Local Manager Dude: Yo you jus’ say “wink?” Never mind, grab this mop and start moppin’.
Geoffrey Wallace: Do you hold this end? [Grabs bottom of mop, instantly drops it]
Local Manager Dude [Testimonial]: Aye yai yai. This new guy Smeff, I’m not sure he has what it takes to work at Krispy Kreme.
Nice Cashier Lady: So Smeff, here’s how we ring up the custom…[SNIFF]…
Geoffrey Wallace: What’s wrong?
Nice Cashier Lady: It’s just…I’m working my third double this week. With all the time I spend working, I just…[SNIFF]… I never get to spend time with my three kids! [CRIES] Thanks for listening to my family issues, employee with weird hair who’s worked here for twelve minutes and couldn’t open that roll of quarters.
Geoffrey Wallace [Testimonial]: The more time I spend with these workers, the more I realize how hard their jobs are, and these are real people. I thought for sure by 2011 they’d all be robots with indistinguishably synthetic human skin, but no, they’re still people all right. At least I’m pretty sure they’re people. Robots don’t have kids do they? Nah, they’d call them like replicants or something. And robots would never complain about being overworked. So yeah, I’m gonna say these are definitely real people. Very moving.
Customer: Can I have one donut please?
Kind Of A-Hole Employee Guy: Hey dummy, you evah hear uh FLAVORS uh donuts? We gots nine million kinds a donuts, we ain’t jussslike, GIVUM away yahknow? PSSHSHHHHHTTTTTT. Hey Smeff, you hearin’ this guy?
Geoffrey Wallace: Oh, I hear more than you think.
Geoffrey Wallace [Testimonial]: That one employee, I take serious umbrage with his ability to interact with customers. I am going to have to have a benign, dispassionately constructive conversation with him at the end of this show where I appear assertive but not unlikable.
Lovable Old Man Employee: Hey Smeffrey, how’s your first week going?
Geoffrey Wallace: Eh, you know, it’s been–
Lovable Old Man Employee: My week isn’t going so great – my grandson’s baseball team is trying to raise money for a new field, because the one is falling apart and has shrapnel instead of bases and a family of black bears are hibernating inside the pitcher’s mound. If we don’t raise exactly $12,000 by next week, they’re gonna condemn the property and put up a pharmaceutical plant and also rape the bears. I guess there’s nothing us regular shmoes can do though, is there?
Geoffrey Wallace: Never say never, Lovable Old Man.
[Assorted Scenes of C.E.O. bumbling more very simple work duties, being touched by more stories, and calling his family and saying how exhausted he is and how surprised he is by how exhausted he is because he expected to go on national tv and be like “man my workers’ jobs are so f***ing easy, if anything I’m gonna try to reduce their salaries.”]
Geoffrey Wallace [At Supernice Corner Office Desk]: Nice Cashier Lady, can you come in here please? I have a surprise for you. I’m not new employee…whatever that name was. I am the president and C.E.O. of Krispy Kreme.
Nice Cashier Lady: AHAHHHHHHHHH!HH!H!!!!!!!! [LAUGHS / CRIES / DIES / COMES BACK TO LIFE]. No way, you’re kidding me!
Geoffrey Wallace: I am not. And after working at Krispy Kreme for those seven glorious hours, I learned that you are a very hard worker, and you have a very nice family I’m guessing. You know, I’m a family man too, so I understand and appreciate the value of family. And as a reward, because I know you wanted to spend more time with your family, I am sending you and your family on a one-week paid vacation to Disney World’s Family Island, for families.
Nice Cashier Lady: I can’t believe it! [CRIES] You…are the most generous man ever. You may be a C.E.O. but it’s like you are one of us!
Geoffrey Wallace: I just deeply want to make sure that three of my 4,000 employees are happy.
[Cut To: Lovable Old Man Enters]
Geoffrey Wallace: You said you needed $12,000 to save your grandson’s baseball field? Well guess what…
Lovable Old Man: What? WHAT? I have no idea, what?
Geoffrey Wallace: I am giving you $12,000 to save your grandson’s baseball field.
Lovable Old Man [With Tears Projectile-Shooting From His Eyes In 8 Directions]: OH MY GOD, no way! You don’t have to do this, really you don’t.
Geoffrey Wallace: Don’t worry – this is something I want to do. Also it is such a tax break, it somehow instantly earns us like ten times that amount back. And that kid’ll be happy, and ever since I dropped that one donut, I understand and appreciate the value of children now more than ever.
VOICEOVER: But now, Geoffrey must deal with his toughest challenge yet — That A-Hole employee from the one part where he was bad.
Geoffrey Wallace: I am actually the C.E.O. of Krispy Kreme.
Kind Of A-Hole Employee Guy: Ahhhhh, sh*tf*ck. Am I fired? I’m fired.
Geoffrey Wallace: I understand that all of us learn at a different pace, and some of us have to improve our communication skills — it happens to the best of us.
Kind Of A-Hole Employee Guy: Uh… huh? [Kind of looks over at camera]
Geoffrey Wallace: I am sending you to Krispy Kreme’s “Krisp Up!” employee retraining program for one week, then you will be reassigned to your previous job with a second chance to prove you can interact with customers.
Kind Of A-Hole Employee Guy: Uh, are you sure? Cause like, we’ve had like 9 employees get fired or leave in the last year, it’s not really a huge–
Geoffrey Wallace: No, I believe in you. I believe that you can take orders for donuts and then hand people those donuts and then they hand you their cash and then you hand them your change. Being undercover has taught me that this task, while it sounds simple and brainless, is actually the most difficult thing any human can do, and I appreciate my family now more than ever.
Kind Of A-Hole Employee Guy: Thank you for the second chance, Mr. Geoffrey Wallace, I will not let you down. Shake hands with Geoffrey. Huh? Oh, got it, sorry. [Shakes hands with Geoffrey]
VOICEOVER: Now is the time for Geoffrey to reveal himself to the company.
Geoffrey Wallace: Thank you for coming, everyone. I am Geoffrey J. Wallace, C.E.O. of Krispy Kreme! [Applause and Hooting starts really abruptly because CBS clearly shortened the part where everyone wasn’t sure if they should clap]. Let’s take a look at some footage of me, a C.E.O., bumbling some simple tasks so I appear self-deprecating and relatable.
[MOVIE BEGINS PLAYING]:
Local Manager Dude: Grab this mop and start moppin’.
Geoffrey Wallace: Like this??? OOOPS! [Drops mop. Audience of employees goes BATSH*T]
Geoffrey Wallace: So how do you do the donuts. Like this??? [Puts donut on head. Audience of employees F***ING LOVES IT.]
Geoffrey Wallace: So what do you think of Krispy Kreme?
Nice Cashier Lady: I love it! But the name is kind of goofy. [Crowd laughs and goes “OOHHHHHHH!!!!!” Shot of Geoffrey laughing very demonstrably. Shot of Nice Cashier Lady in crowd laughing and burying her head in her hands while people around her laugh with her.]
[VIDEO ENDS. APPLAUSE.]
Geoffrey Wallace: Through this all, I learned that your jobs… [Choked up]… are the most important and difficult jobs [Sniff]… in American history. And I love my family, and I love your families, and thank you so much, I will never, ever look at things the same way again.
[HUGE APPLAUSE. Geoffrey kisses his wife and kids onstage.]
“Nice Cashier Lady took her family to Disney World and had a great time, and now all of the employees see their kids plenty.”
“Lovable Old Man’s grandson got the new baseball field, and that kid grew up to be…STAN MUSIAL.”
“Kind Of A-Hole Employee Guy attended employee re-training and is now back on the same job but he’s like doing totally awesome.”
[Closing Credits roll overtop footage of C.E.O. banging his wife in a rooftop Jacuzzi while fifteen French maids feed gold-dipped grapes to his children.]