All humans unanimously agree that the Batman film franchise peaked with Joel Schumacher’s dynamic One-Schu Punch of Batman Forever and Batman And Robin in the late-90s. As Christopher Nolan prepares to shoot The Dark Knight Rises, the third installment of his widely-panned, Oscar-winning “Really Amazing Series Of Movies” (the industry term), it’s time he takes a lesson from history with this list of 10 Things The Dark Knight Rises Should Borrow From The Joel Schumacher Movies, if he wants the third installment to be TRULY memorable.
1. Zooming Closeups Of Batman’s Ass
The Dark Knight was an immensely comprehensive film, opening and closing the books on two iconic Batman villains, but it still left far too many questions unanswered, including most notably, “How tight is Batman’s ass in his bat suit?” Spandex-tight? Sweatpants tight? Assless-chaps tight??
Establishing Batman’s ass-tightness early and often in The Dark Knight Rises will reaffirm Bruce Wayne’s humanity and fragility beneath his iconic exterior, and will allow the audience to connect with the ass as it grows and changes over the course of its many assventures, which is essential to any form of art.
2. A Bulldog Peeing Then Getting Frozen Then Getting Unfrozen
Perhaps no single moment in Batman And Robin better encapsulates Gotham’s everpresent struggle to survive than the iconic scene when a bulldog is peeing on a fire hydrant, gets frozen by Mr. Freeze, then when Freeze is defeated the dog gets unfrozen and walks away.
Replicating this shot in The Dark Knight Rises would not only provide the film with a central metaphor of a city desperate to relieve itself in the face of insurmountable obstacles, but also you could add a fart noise to the dog when it walks away and put that in the trailer.
3. A Chorus Of Goons Singing Christmas Carols
Another crucial scene in Batman And Robin involves Arnold Schwarzenegger “conducting” a chorus of Ice Goons in a sing-along of Christmas carols. The Tom Hardy Bane character should emulate this behavior, because it sets up that the villain isn’t just like non-stop evil, but he also takes the time to have his goons sing Christmas carols, but that in a way makes him MORE evil. It doesn’t have to be the exact same Christmas carol in The Dark Knight Rises, just close.
4. A Neon Gang That Kind Of Hassles People
There’s a famous scene in Batman Forever when characters are foolishly wandering the dangerous streets of Gotham, and they’re immediately confronted by a huge gang of street thugs in like neon paint and stuff who almost beat them up. This should happen in The Dark Knight Rises too, because the gang dudes’ neon paint establishes just how fearless they are — they don’t need to dress in not-neon stuff to be intimidating, because they’re confident that they can be both dangerous and neon. It’s very similar to the Mutants gang that takes over Gotham in the Dark Knight Returns graphic novel, if they were making out while playing laser tag.
5. The Line “What Killed The Dinosaurs? The ICE Age!”
Granted, this won’t really be a pun if Bane or Catwoman says it, but it’s just too good of a line not to use in another Batman film, and with a two-movie buffer between B&R and Dark Knight Rises, it’s totally ok again. They should have Catwoman holding an iced tea when she says it, then she can jiggle her glass after she says it and there you go.
6. A Motorcycle Race Or Whatever
The part in Batman And Robin where Alicia Silverstone races in a super dangerous underground motorcycle race tells the audience that she’s not just a pretty face, but is a dame with a dark side. The DARK Knight Rises can use that dark side for whichever ex-Clueless star plays the new Batgirl (Stacy Dash? Wallace Shawn?)
Either way, the Dark Knight motorcycle video game will be even better than the Star Wars pod racing game, and the scene will be just as important and loved by the internet.
7. The Riddler Should Go To McDonald’s And Get A Batman Glass
This wasn’t technically in Batman Forever, just a McDonald’s commercial as part of their commercial tie-in, but it’s too good of a scene not to replicate. Even if The Riddler isn’t in the movie, The Riddler should go into McDonald’s and get a glass of Batman and be like “Now I’ve got him!”, because the whole crowd will be in suspense, like “Oh no does The Riddler really got him? Can he now break the glass and win? Or does The Riddler not realize that’s a glass and Batman is a guy?” It adds layers to the movie, which are good in scripts.
8-10. An All-Seal Soundtrack
Batman Begins and The Dark Knight both dropped the beach ball off their circus podium on this one — adding a Seal song to the soundtrack will ensure that the CD gets prominently displayed in the front $9.99 section of Best Buy, the last remaining area where compact discs can be purchased in exchange for money. This will bring an entirely new demographic of gift-buying aunts and compact-disc buyers (largely the same demo) to see The Dark Knight Rises, boosting its box office by tons. Then EVERYONE will be happy!