20 Valuable Lessons Learned At Coachella

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Some of you might notice that this list is coming at your almost a week after Coachella ended. Well, there’s a very good reason for that. You see, I actually got so f*cked up at Coachella, so brain scrambled, so sun poisoned, so covered in dirt, so OD’d on hipster assh*les, that it was physically impossible for me to put this list together any sooner.

So for those of you wondering what it’s like to give yourself to the desert for 3 days, but don’t have the time, energy or mental rereness to actually do so, allow this list to suffice. Here are the 20 Things I Learned At Coachella.

1. People Are Assh*les. Sure, this is a pretty standard rule in general, right? Most people are, in fact, assh*les. All over the world even! But Coachella is to assh*les as under the kitchen sink somewhere in the Bronx is to roaches. Assh*les looooove Coachella. They get their best (worst) hats dry cleaned, crochet themselves an over the shoulder thong, and drive their Chevy Volt’s (JK, like anyone owns that) to Indio so that they may relive those college memories that so coldly turned their backs on them. Which leads us toooooooo:

2. People Dress Like Assh*les. Going to Coachella? Wondering what to pack? Here’s a handy guide. Time travel back to 1992 when you dressed like Steve Urkel for Halloween, run a pair of layering scissors over the entire thing, weave the red suspenders into a dreamcatchers, put a feather in your hair, and boom: Coachella Outfit. Or, another idea: Time travel back to 1992, murder Mayim Bialik, steal the entire Blossom wardrobe, cover it in blood and seemsies, and boom: Coachella Outfit. The rule is that there are no rules for how you dress at Coachella, just as long as you look like a Native American Milkmaid Drug Dealer Russian Billionaire.

3. The VIP Bracelet Means You Are Neither Very Important Nor A Person. When my girl Fiona Byrne nabbed me a VIP bracelet to the festival, I was like “Oh sh*t girl! VIP. I gotta look good!!” Well $4,000 in rhinestone extensions and leather chaps later, I realized that is a bunch of bull. That’s because 5 million people have the VIP bracelet, and believe me when I say, these people were not important and more like animals than people, especially given the way we were herded into the “VIP” section. So what does VIP really mean? Mainly that you can drink and hear some of the music. And also get to meet some celebrities…



Ahead! I tell of encounters with Leonardo DiCaprio, Danny Devito turns me down, I have a borderline drug overdose thanks to Mexico, and I touch hands with Skarsgåååård.



4. If You’re Going To Meet Alexander Skarsgård, Be As Creepy As Possible. There he was. In all of his Siberian 7 foot tall glory. Alex Skarsy, blond Nordic God, ordering a drink at the bar. (Snake venom or something equally as dangerous probably.) While I side-eyed him so hard only the whites of my eyes showed, I noticed my friend was chatting with his friend nearby. I sauntered over delicately, en pointe, and gingerly sipped my vodka soda withing arm shaking distance. Sure enough, Gårdzy came on over, and while my friend was being introduced I Go-Go-Gadgeted my arm over and around his shoulders to introduce myself daiiiiiiintily as f*****ck. We made eye contact, my ovaries turned to stone, and I am currently wearing a papoose filled with salami because his gaze rendered me sterile. Point being: Sometimes, being a super-creep from Mars works ladies.


5. There Is Something Called A Pizza Cookie. I myself only had a bite, but let’s not mince words here: Pizza cookie is just a giant cookie cut into triangles. Nice try, marketing geniuses. (We bought 500 of them.)



6. Leonardo DiCaprio Is Hot Fat Albert. I spotted him at the Neon Carnival on Saturday night (along with about a million other famous people, but Leo trumps all.) He had his hat pulled so far down over his eyes that he basically had no eyes. He should consider cutting two eyeholes in his hat, kind of like a Hot Fat Albert.





7. The Parking Was Organized By The Last Remaining Nazis Hiding In Argentina Somewhere. My pal Chris Bletzer was kind enough to rent a giant white Chevy Tahoe — dubbed “The Swan” — to take the people staying in our house to and fro the concert festivities. So on Friday night, when we left at around 11:45 PM, we thought we’d have plenty of time to make it out of the parking lot and home into our beds before, say, sunrise.

Wrong. Apparently, the geniuses behind Coachella decided to force a parking lot lockdown from midnight to around 2 am, let’s see… yes, exactly when every f*cking person was leaving. When I tell you we were stuck in traffic for 2 hours, I don’t mean inching up bit by bit. I mean our car did not move ONE INCH in two hours. Mayhem broke loose. Frustrated tears were shed. The desert was peed on. I saw two people do it in a Honda. It was Hipster Lord of the Flies, and it was ugly.

That is until the sweetest angel from up on high came up to our window, shaking, manic, and said “I just knocked that fence down. Hurry. Leave. Escape. The time is now. Go!!!” It was Les Miserables meets the sh*t-crawl in Shawshank Redemption. We booked it. Abandoning a group of our friends who made the mistake of going back inside. We were free. And the streets… the streets were empty. So next year, if you decide to go to Coachella, do what I’m doing: Buy a prop backpack from The Rocketeer, and as you’re sailing over the crowds of the overprivileged underbathed masses, scream “See ya, f*ckfaces!”



8. Lindsay Lohan Really Is A Bitch. So my friend happened to be sitting next to Lindsay and her hoard of baby whores, all of whom were smoking. My friend, Name Redacted, asked for a light. They said no. She asked if she could use their cigarette to light her own. Then one of the girls angrily said no. My friend said “She’s nice, isn’t she?” to LiLo, who said “She is nice actually.” Then the entire group proceeded to rag on my friend and even throw some death threats her way (seriously). All over a lighter. The real lesson here? All of these people will probably die of lung cancer.



9. If Someone From A Band Asks If You Want To See Their Bus, Don’t Say “Nah, I Don’t Really Like Buses.” This didn’t happen to me personally, but this is probably just a good rule of thumb in general. Always go to the bus. Always. Worse case scenario, you’ll have a great story for the police.



10. Some People Were On A Lot Of Drugs. This is a given.



11. Some People Were On Over-The-Counter Mexican Diet Pills. (Me.) So I had these Mexican Diet Pills I bought in, yes, Mexico. I had only taken them once or twice since purchase, and to put it mildly, they were effective…

So I figured “What better time to put these pills to the test (what test? the death test? Yes.) than at Coachella??” Genius idea. Between my one MDP and the 900 red bulls I downed, I had grown
wings alright. Angel wings, taking me to Heaven, because I was dead. At one point, chatting with two people I really didn’t know too well, it felt like my brain had been lit on fire with gasoline. Fearing a panic attack, I turned around on these people mid-conversation and walked away. They thought I was joking. When they came upon me doing the manicure of my severed arm like that dude in Saving Private Ryan, they knew things were gravely serious.



12. MDP’s Are Not A Joke, And You Will Freak Out. No, really. Like the people in Mexico should all be really super thin. Oh and also have the worst hangovers known to mano.



13. Danny Devito Is Over The Twins Jokes. Danny Devito walks by. My friend is all “You should ask him for a photo.” Me, being not that person, was like “No.” Then I realized, wait a second, I could cross #46 off my bucket list: Recreating the Twins poster with actual Danny Devito. So boldly, and full of shame, I walked my large frame over to Danny, surrounded by a throng of miscreants, and said “Danny, would you please recreate the Twins poster with me?” To which his handler just put his hands on Danny’s shoulder and slowly turned him around. Alas, no poster. Which is why I will have to rely on my piss poor Photoshop skills to try to make my unrealized dream come true:





14. If You Wear Sandals, Your Feet Will Look Like They Belong To Sammy Davis Jr. The floor is real real dirty. So if you wear sandals, be prepared to not be able to look your feet in the eye for a good few days given their filth factor.





15. Katy Perry says “Yes Ma’am” and “No Ma’am” IRL. This Southern thing. I don’t think it’s an act. Wait, is it an act? It’s an act? I don’t know. All I know is she actually says “Yes Ma’am” and “No Ma’am” in regular conversation.

16. You Won’t Hear A Lot Of Music. Yeah, no, somehow, and I don’t know why, but I only heard like 2 full band sets and then bits and pieces of other performers. To be fair, I also wasn’t there Sunday night, when most of my favorite acts were performing. I had to leave considering my brain dipped itself in the Roger Rabbit murdery acid bath and was no longer alive.



17. Don’t Guess Where People Are From. I walk into the ladies portable toilet, and hear a foreign language. Rolling my Red Bull IV alongside me, I say “Oh, a French person!” (Ed. Note: I am a college graduate.) The girl says, using only a series of clicks and phlegm-clearings, “I am not French! I am from Belgium,” and slams the bathroom door in my face. The lesson here? The only people worse than obnoxious French people are obnoxious Belgians.



18. I Should Probably Never Hold A Gun Again. At the very end of a long day, I decided “What the hell! Let me pick up this machine gun and try to win a stuffed animal made by Asian children by shooting at a piece of paper.” If you’ve ever seen Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies, this was not unlike my shooting capabilities. With every rat-a-tat-tat of the bb gun, my heart lining grew ever so thin. Basically I have a soy paper aorta thanks to this “game.” Here’s a pic of me posting sobbing laughing from terror:





19. Despite What You’ve Heard, The Hoff Loves To Be Hassled. Here is the Hoff at Coachella, practically begging to be hassled. His girlfriend and possible daughter, on the other Hoff, not so much.





20. You Will Wake Up The Morning After Coachella Looking Like At Least One Of These Things:

OVERALL ASSESSMENT: Coachella kicked my ass. Meaning I’m clearly getting my Indian headdress dry-cleaned and prepped for next year.

“Don’t I Look Thin?” — Mexican Diet Pill Grim Reaper Standing Behind Me

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[Celeb Photos: Splash]

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