Good news for those of us who watch 27 Dresses, The Devil Wears Prada and Bride Wars over and over again on cable while hungover on the couch sitting in a sea of bagel crumbs: we’ve got a new go-to rom-com to indulge in! Clocking in at just under two hours, Something Borrowed nicely fulfills every cliche we so desire in a wedding movie. It’s a movie ripped from the pages of Rom-Com 101, and while it’s fun to watch, it’s also absolutely, utterly terrible. We loved—and hated—every second of it.
Ginnifer Goodwin (decked out in cinema’s worst wig since Bella’s horrific headpiece in Eclipse) plays Rachel, a good girl who feels bad about herself despite being a beautiful lawyer with a ROOF DECK. We all know people in NYC with roof decks have NOTHING to be sad about, right? She’s inexplicably still BFF with her childhood friend Darcy (Kate Hudson), who seems to have no job other than insulting Rachel and seeing how wide she can open her mouth. Darcy is engaged to Rachel’s law school buddy Dex (Colin Egglesfield), despite there being absolutely zero chemistry between them. Oh – in one scene we hear them having loud sex, so we guess that means they’re meant to be together forevs? Egglesfield looks like a Tom Cruise untouched by the crazy-making ways of Scientology and has the charisma of a robot whose batteries are on their last legs. Thus it’s extra confusing as to why Rachel is still in love with him and not her platonic pal Ethan, played by zing-slinging pro John Krasinski.
The movie opens on Rachel’s surprise birthday party, thrown by Darcy, who makes it all about herself, natch. Why movie women seem to love buddying up to emotionally abusive narcissists is beyond us, because in real life every woman we know would kick said psycho friend to the curb, not keep them around for years. Rachel and Dex end up sharing a cab home and yada-yada-yada they bone, admit their true feelings for each other and 90 minutes of indecisiveness ensues. No one knows what they want! Rachel might want Dex! Dex might watch Rachel! Darcy might want to bone Dex’s equally insufferably friend Marcus! Ethan might be in love with Rachel! OMG WHAT WILL THEY DOOOOO?
When the characters actually decide to do things, it’s painfully annoying. Dex just can’t bear to break up with Darcy because he has a depressed mom who smiles like a clown on crack through out the movie and whose only hope for happiness is her son’s wedding. His dad is one of those powerful, angry movie fathers who a hot head of gray hair who loves to drink Scotch and refer to his family as “our kind.” Rachel purses her lips together over and over again as if it will force her to suddenly grow a pair and stop pining for a guy who gets off on stringing her along. Seriously, this dude has crushed on her since law school and instead of just manning up and asking her out, he dates and proposes to her best friend?! Ladies, that is douche territory—and any respectable gal should turn her nose at entering such an emotional wasteland.
There’s a lot of wistful staring and an “I’m telling you I love you in the pouring rain!” scene before everything gets resolved. In the end the girl gets the guy, but what she really could use is some self esteem and a better wig.We can’t wait to watch it again…and again…and again.
[Kate Spencer is not a movie critic, but rather a person who cried while watching this Google Chrome commercial.]