Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Eliot.

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The internet: it is so big!

When I first started using the internet in the late nineties, my family was somehow always three eons behind whichever version of America Online the rest of my friends were using. So I would sign on, and our modem was about as fast as Dom DeLuise/Paul Prudhomme (SAME) in a potato sack race, leaving me with an internet connection so painfully slow that pictures literally didn’t load. All I had was the warm welcome from AOL guy and a handwritten buddy list, from which I would send pre-written Instant Messages to one person after another, hoping that someone would be online at the same time to be on the receiving end. Mr. Joe Cool Guy over here, riiiiight?

Fast forward three hundred years, and here I am, a grown adult human being with an apartment, a dog, a blog, a seldom-updated Twitter account, a book (KA-CHING!), and a new job blogging for Best Week Ever. I’ve made it, you guys! Like Simon Van Kempen says, I AM REAL. In fact, I’ve been featured on Best Week Ever before, as a conduit for all things f*cked up, like the fat lady who wants to explode, Trenita: my dream date, and my gorgeous, idiotic tattoo.

But now I’m going to be here every single day, just like Michelle and Dan. Coming from Buzzfeed and Urlesque (R.I.P.), I can guarantee you that I will bring you VERY IMPORTANT NEWS about VERY IMPORTANT THINGS that occupy my brain, like eccentric health guru Susan Powter, audible animal farts, and the secret passages Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman built in their house for their kids (confirmed to me by Danny, via Twitter).

In other words:

– Eliot Glazer