Every year around spring, the flowers bloom, the snow melts into streams, the bears come out of hibernation, and dozens of tone deaf Europeans in leotards descend upon one lucky major city with a single goal in mind: Win Eurovision.
Yes, Eurovision, the most spectacular televised musical fatality we look forward to every year. If you’re not familiar with the biblical proportions of this major talent competition, here’s a quick breakdown of events: Each European country included votes on a national song to represent them in the main competition. The entries are whittled from 40 down to 25 finalists, who then perform in a massively epic stage show in front of millions of people worldwide. Finally, the citizens of each country vote for their favorites (and no, they’re not allowed to vote for their own country) and voila: You have your Eurovision winner.
But wait… Who cares about the “rules”? What matters most is that the performances at the finale are unlike anything you have ever seen in your life. This is especially true if you are an epileptic, as a single Eurovision performance would be enough to kill you. Thankfully, I kept a cold, wet cloth on my forehead and suffered through the entirety of this amazing annual “talent” show just to bring you this. Here are the 10 Eurovision Performances You Don’t Want To Miss. We’re kicking things off with one of our favorite/most disturbing performances of the night:
10. Russia – Alexej Vorobjov – “Get You”
What would happen if the video for A-Ha’s “Take On Me” went to Moscow, froze itself for 25 years, and thawed out in 2011 and went to Dusseldorf? Russia finds out with Alexej Vorobjov, who is a pretty good singer and pretty fantastic all around man. (Read: Hot.) But there is one… liiittle problem with Alexej. The song he sings (one he also wrote) is basically the pro-rape techno-means-no ballad you’ve never been waiting for. Take a look at some of the lyrics to understand what we mean:
And you look so good/ On the floor/ Put my mind in a dirty zone… Not losing you tonight
I’m coming to get you/ I’m running I’m gunning for you/ I’m gonna get you…
If you really wanna have fun tonight, Just scream.
Because you know when I have fun, all I love to do is get chased by some Russian dude in a leather jacket while screaming. And yes, these are the actual lyrics. It’s f*cking terrifying. Though it would be pretty easy for the police to find this guy post-crime. You’d be like “Oh, he’s the rapist in the leather jacket singing about raping people.” NYET MEANS NYET.
Must See Moment: If I HAD to pick a single moment, it would be from :50 to 1:03. Oh, also 2:30 for light up leather jackets that spell out “ALEX.”
Finish: 16th (Translate to read: Vladimir Putin will have him killed.)
Ahead, we bring you Jedward, Sand Art, The Winner!, and a performance that will burn itself into your retinas and stay with you forever…
9. Ireland – Jedward – “Lipstick”
Jedward are probably the most recognizable of all the artists in the Eurovision competition. That’s because they’re angelic identical twins who use human-produced hair gel and became an overnight UK sensation after competing on X Factor. And look at them now! Representing Ireland in a suit made up of old Louboutins. And aww… they’re singing a little tune about lipstick. (Be warned: It’s catchy.) Their performance is perfectly funny and weird, but by Eurovision standards, it’s like the Jayma Mays of performances.
Must See Moment: The essence of Jedward at 1:08.
Finish: 8th Place
8. Ukraine – Mika Newton – “Angel”
Sure, this song is “aight.” But that’s not why it’s a must see. What makes this performance so unbelievable is that it features one of Ukraine’s most popular entertainers… a SAND ARTIST. Yes, a Ukrainian sand artist, flown to German to make art out of sand. But don’t be fooled!! Her sand art is easily 100 times better than the song. You might notice that there are some technical difficulties before the performance begins, and it’s either one of two things: Either Mika’s dress wasn’t fully blood-letted before she put it on, or, the worst possible scenario… NOT ENOUGH SAND.
Must See Moment: If you are a fan of SAND ART, then the entire thing is must see. And I am. Believe me.
7. Italy – Raphael Gualazzi – “Follia d’Amore”
Call me 60, but I actually liked this entry “Follia d’Amore,” or “Madness of Love.” Then again, I also grew up turning my nose up at NKOTB while listening to Sinatra singing Cole Porter classics, so grain of salt etc etc. Despite the fact that Raphael tends to veer into Harvey Fierstein getting a colonic territory, we kind of glad it placed so well. One can just go ahead and assume that almost everyone in Europe is as big a fan of hilarious trumpet sounds as I am.
Must See Moment: 1:50 for a genius piano breakdown. Love it or hate it, he’s probably the most musically talented guy there.
6. Sweden – Eric Saade – “Popular”
Nada Surf, if you’re reading this, “Don’t sweat it.” Your song of the same name is roughly ‘två miljon’ times better than Swedish singing sensation Eric Saade’s version. Now don’t get it twisted: Eric has a lot going for him. He’s handsome, he’s (no blinking for an hour). He’s handsome. Note that I almost definitely wrote the lyrics to this song while crying and locked in a toilet stall in the 6th grade. Apparently, there are a lot of frustrated youthes in the EU.
Must See Moment: The part where he breaks out of the glass box at 2:20.
Finish: 3rd (seriously)
5. Hungary – Kati Wolf – What About My Dreams?
Let’s give it up for my homelanddd! Hungary. A beautiful country. Really, if you’ve never been to Budapest, no reason to wait, go soon. Much less touristy than Prague, and much more fun. (Code for: Lots of prostitutes!) And you know what they say about the women! According to my mother, you say “Hungarian women have long faces because their mother’s vaginas were small and so it stretched their faces out.”
Meet Kati Wolf. She’s Hungary’s entrant who went to Dusseldorf with only one thing on her mind… MORE SLEEVE. Despite the sleevyness of the song, it’s actually one of the better melodies of the night. Why did it finish so low? Is the world still miffed about the invention of the Rubik’s Cube? (Hungary’s greatest achievement.) I’ll have no choice but say yes and then throw this damn plastic piece of garbage out the window because it cannot be solved.
Must See Moment: The Hungarian back-up dancers at 1:16. It’s their Black Swan moment.
Finish: 22nd (WTF it was not that bad.)
4. Greece – Loucas Yiorkas – “Watch my Dance”
At first, I was like “Oh sh*t son, it’s the Greek Eminem!” You know he’d shove feta cheese down your throat like nobody’s business. But then, Greece’s answer to David Beckham shows up (Loucas himself, I presume) and acts as a human Preparation H pad to the burning affliction known as “white people rap.” If only this guy could also make appearances on Glee, interrupting Mr. Schue the next time he breaks into one of his hardcore rap seshes, the world would certainly be a more harmonious, sexier place.
Must See Moment: 2:30 onwards, to watch Green breakdancers bust a move while surrounded by 9,000 degree fire cannons shooting around the stage.
3. Denmark – A Friend In London – “New Tomorrow”
A cute song, a cute lead singer. If I were to rename this band, I would call it “30 Seconds To Lars.” See, because he looks like Jared Leto and they’re Swe- alright. This is one of the few songs/melodies that did not make me want to meat carve my ears off (along with the Icelandic Mumford & Sons), so it’s worth a listen, especially if you like Mika, which is exactly what it sounds like.
Must See Moment: Not actually in the above video, but rather afterwards, where the lead singer offers to f*ck one of the presenters who awards him 12 points, live and unedited.
2. Azerbaijan – Ell & Nikki – “Running Scared”
Want to know what it takes to win Eurovision? Apparently, it helps if you look like you just walked off the set of The Real Housewives of Azerbaijan. It doesn’t even matter if half of your lead singing due doesn’t really have a great voice or A voice. (The ladyhalf of this twosome, I’m looking at you.) This is your Eurovision winner: A repetitive, lame, lackluster love song, sung by two people who have about as much chemistry as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes at a contract signing. Perhaps they won because they made it rain from the sky? I seriously have no idea.
Must See Moment: :34 to :53, which so accurately portrays how sh*tty half of this duo really is.
Finish: THE WINNER!
1. Moldova – Zdob si Zdub – “So Lucky”
Forget what you saw above. THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS ABOUT EUROVISION 2011. The Lonely Island of Moldova. As I tweeted in my on-going live commentary that lost me about 50 or so followers, “Moldova reminds me of a fever nightmare my Grandmother once had at Auschwitz.” Nothing can prepare you for this performance that probably cost more than the entire country is worth. Do you have any idea how much cone hair hats are going for these days? Like dozens of dollars. It’s thanks to this performance that I finally understand what it feels like to douche with LSD. Pretty F**king Amazing.
Must See Moment: Watch the whole thing are you insane please.
Finish: 12th (TOTALY HORSESH*T)
And there you go! Now you can talk about Eurovision with the zero other people that watched it in your office. Do you guys think the judging was fair? Who were you rooting for? Take it to the comments as I am genuinely interested.