Dear NBA: Thank You For Introducing Us To Julia Dale

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While I’m no sports fan, I do feel an obligation to tune into any sport final where a team from my birthplace and hometown of Miami, Florida. Which is why, despite the amount of haters rooting against them, I am 100 percent behind my team of the Miami Heat in this NBA Playoff Finals, and why I stayed home last night to watch the Heat battle the Dallas Mavericks in Game 2.

And it is almost as if the NBA knew I’d be tuning in to the game, based solely on who they chose to sing the National Anthem, aka “My Favorite Song.” Her name is Julia Dale, she is 10 years old, and she is one more live performance away from having TLC film a reality show about her, followed closely by her parents being put in jail for child endangerment. i.e. I’M OBSESSED:

Listen, I don’t wanna hate on a chile…

…but for real. This is the best 10-year-old you could find? I mean, Idontwannaboast, but I was nailing Shirley Bassey’s “Goldfinger” at the tender age of 6, and no one invited me to sing sh*t anywhere. She’s not that good. Sorry. It’s a reality check Julia will one day have to hear herself, assuming she hasn’t blown both eardrums out from her own perma-wail. Sure, the glitter and gloss are a nice touch, but unless we’re actually talking about the NAMBLA playoff finals, I’m pretttttty sure she has no business singing anything on national television.

Then again, being a Miami native, I can attest that dumb sh*t happens there on the daily. In other words, carry on and GO HEAT. Please no more endings like yesterday, I can only charge my paddles up once a week.