Green Lantern might be swooping into theaters soon, but back in 2004 Jack Black’s Green Lantern movie was the one on the verge of getting the (magical) green light. At the time, SNL‘s TV Funhouse creator Robert Smigel signed on to direct the comedy-action film with Black as the lead, but had to shelve the script when the studio feared comic book geeks wouldn’t want to see their 8th favorite superhero turned into one giant, albeit hilarious, joke. Not like Ryan Reynolds‘ version, no sir! GQ‘s Mike Ryan got his hands on the original script, but we have to warn you: once you see it, you can’t unknow the tragic fact that this movie will never, ever be made
In the original version, Black’s Green Lantern would have eaten coyote brains, created a racecar bed with his mind, and, as to be expected, used his super powers to gift himself with a bigger wiener. Jack also has several catchphrases throughout the film, including “It’s Clobbin’ Time,” “Nein,” and “Who wants a taste of the green?” Okay, so maybe Jack Black dodged a bullet on this one. At least Ryan Reynolds doesn’t have to use a giant stapler against the villain’s junk. We’re assuming; we haven’t seen it yet.
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