An Open Letter To Tupac Shakur On His 40th Birthday


Today would have been the 40th birthday of slain rapper Tupac Shakur. It is very weird to think that, once upon a time, very popular musicians were literally murdered because of an industry-wide coastal feud. A feud between the West and East coast! How was that real??? That would be like if California “gurl” Katy Perry put out a hit on Brit Adele because, I dunno, they’re separated by water. That’s how it worked in the 90’s, right?

Anyway, lots of conspiracy theorists believe Tupac is hiding out in Guatemala or something, where he may very well be selling bongs or something. If that’s the case (and even if he really is in heaven where we like to imagine he and The Notorious B.I.G. have made up with one another and spend all day eating dim sum and tickling cherubs), here’s to hoping he reads this letter to him.

Dear Tupac,

How are you? Hope this letter finds you well.

It’s 2011, and a lot has changed since you left our planet for wherever you are, gangsta rapping with the angels. This thing called “reality television” has essentially reshaped our culture, to the point where we now call phone numbers and choose which wannabe musicians we would like to make famous and give money to. Crazy, right? We just pick up the phone or send a text. Oh, a text? It’s like Morse Code, but with abbreviations for stupid sayings (ask me about “LMFAO”).

Music is pretty good, actually. There’s this British girl, Adele, who has pretty much conquered the charts with nothing but sharp songwriting skills and a great voice. Otherwise, Auto Tune and the sounds of robots have become mainstream. Remember how the chorus of “California Love” was sung into a vocoder? Yep, that’s actually how people sing now! I know. This girl, Keisha, has made millions of dollars by singing into a tube or something! (And, just between us, she might actually just be John Travolta in drag.) (Yes, the guy from Look Who’s Talking.)

Anyway, we have our first Black president, too. Oh yeah, there are definitely a lot of racist people who insist that he must not be American, even after he was forced to show people his actual birth certificate. He’s from Hawaii, but these weirdos say he’s actually from Kenya because, y’know, they think that’s where all Black liars are from. I know, it’s insane, but bigots are forever, right? LOL.  Oh, sorry — “laughing out loud.” It’s how we talk now.

Alright, say hi to Biggie for us, and if you see Bea Arthur anywhere, high fiver her. You guys would probably get along well (srsly) (“seriously”).


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