Comedy Central just announced that their next annual Roast will feature none other than 2011′s most ubiquitous tigerblooded human-shaped-chaos-factory, Charlie Sheen. I’m a big fan of all the Comedy Central Roasts, but this time, I’m legitimately concerned — seemingly every Charlie Sheen joke that could’ve ever possibly been made was already Tweeted seventy times in the past couple months, and if everyone’s already sick of “WINNING” jokes now, I can’t imagine we’ll be back in the mood for them by the time September rolls around.
Because there’s no Charlie Sheen jokes left, we’ve scoured the slightly more obscure corners of Charlie Sheen’s IMDB page to come up with this list of 10 Charlie Sheen Roast Jokes That Haven’t Been Made Yet:
1. Who could forget Charlie Sheen’s portrayal of “Peter” in the 1990 epic Courage Mountain? That movie was huger than Lisa Lampanelli’s vagina!
2. We all remember Charlie Sheen’s role as Morgan “Fats” Gripp in the 1993 film Deadfall. If you didn’t know, “Deadfall” is also a nickname for Lisa Lampanelli’s vagina!
3. Charlie Sheen also co-starred in the acclaimed 1988 sports film Eight Men Out. Funny — that’s actually the opposite of the title of the movie about Lisa Lampanelli’s vagina!
4. Did you know Charlie Sheen provided the voice of “Charles B. ‘Charlie’ Barkin” in the 1996 animated sequel All Dogs Go To Heaven 2? Yeah right — Dog Charlie Sheen has as much chance of going to heaven as Lisa Lampanelli does having sex with a white guy (because her vagina’s big and this is a thing.)
5. Charlie Sheen appears uncredited as a “Thief” in the 1988 movie Never On Tuesday. Hm – “Never On Tuesday?” That’s what I’d say to Lisa Lampanelli if she asked me to have sex with her, on a Tuesday.
6. According to his IMDB page, Charlie Sheen is 1.78 meters tall. In the metric system, 1.78 meters is also known as one “Lisa Lampanelli’s Vagina”.
7. Charlie Sheen once played high school baseball on a team called “The Vikings.” Speaking of vikings, if they were pillaging a town and then encountered Lisa Lampanelli’s vagina there, they’d be like “No thanks!”
8. Charlie first met Denise Richards while working on the film Good Advice. You know what would’ve been better advice? “Don’t marry Charlie Sheen.” That goes for you too, Lisa Lampanelli and your huge vagina.
9. Charlie Sheen’s first on-screen appearance came in the 1974 movie The Execution of Private Slovik. Hmm, “The Execution of Private Slovik”? Sounds like a movie that is not about Lisa Lampanelli’s vagina.
10. Of course, Charlie Sheen’s biggest project yet was the CBS sitcom “Two And A Half Men.” Have you ever seen this show called “Two And A Half Men,” Lisa Lampanelli? I’ll tell you one thing — it is a bad tv show. Thank you everyone and goodnight!
(Feel free to use any of these, roasters, just be sure to cut me a piece of the BOOK DEALS YOU’LL ALL INSTANTLY GET. You’re welcome in the future!)