Independence Day Goat Parade Seriously Lacking In Bill Pullman


This July 4, a thousand goats descended upon the small American town of — actually, we don’t know where it happened — but no matter. All you need to know is a man woke up at the crack of dawn, looked out of his window… to see this:

Yes, just an absolute sh*t-ton of goats. Down a random street. On America’s birthday.

Now while some might say that this is actually an acid-fueled fever dream I had courtesy of the big man up on high, others would argue that this goat parade was actually an infraction on our rights as AMERICANS. And frankly, when something — anything – imposes itself on my freedom as a citizen of the United States, be they goats or aliens from another planet intent on stealing the Earth’s resources who have dreadlocks and body odor… well, folks, there’s only one thing to do:

Recite President Bill Pullman’s Speech from Independence Day:

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in this history of mankind. Mankind — that word should have new meaning for all of us today.

We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests.

Perhaps its fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom, not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution — but from annihilation. We’re fighting for our right to live, to exist. And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice:

“We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!”

Ed. Note: I was on vacation last week, and today, this blog is Will Smith and I’m the alien seen here.

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