Contagion Trailer Confirms Fear That Gwyneth Paltrow Will Cause Your Death

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You always had a lurking suspicion that Gwyneth Paltrow would somehow be the death of you, though before today you assumed it would be the result of terminal eye rolling induced by a DVD of Country Strong, rather an unstoppable outbreak of the bird flu. Either way, now you can see your fear play out in real time in the new Contagion trailer, which has Paltrow turning up the sweaty jaundice as the first victim of a global pandemic that the CDC must race to contain. So basically it looks like Outbreak, but with an Academy Award-winning actress instead of a little escaped monkey.

Costarring Matt Damon, Laurence Fishburne, Kate Winslet and Jude Law, the thriller is currently scheduled for release September 9 of this year. Of course, it’s not fair to place all the blame on a diseased Paltrow. As Jude puts it in the trailer, “No one has to weaponize the bird flu. The birds are doing that.” So really the film seems more like The Happening, but with pigeons instead of tress. We warned you: whatever you do, do not let your eyes start rolling. There’s not telling if they can ever be stopped!