A few days ago I caught wind of a movement spreading amongst my girlfriends on the internet: incessant gushing and crushing over the dude who plays Neville Longbottom in the Harry Potter franchise. Being a lover of British dorks, I eagerly Google Imaged ol’ Matthew Lewis, excited at the prospect of a fugboat-turned-hot yacht crush (I don’t know what I just wrote there). I love a good makeover story, you know!? But then I laid eyes on Matthew and well…
That’s right, guys: he is the personification of a fart noise. Now don’t get me wrong, he’s a decent looking man and he seems like a lovely person. At certain angles he might even be hot, the kind of guy you end up making out with in a drunken stupor as Journey plays at the end of your best friend’s wedding reception. But it’s not like he was once a two-headed troll who suddenly morphed into a George Clooney-RPattz hybrid (hot combo, right?). He could be any guy, at any bar, wearing any skinny tie, smiling any crooked smile.
Let me bust out some realness for you: lots of people stumble through their adolescence as ugly chubsters, only to shed the baby fat and bad teeth and learn how to buy a decent pair of jeans and spend a couple of bucks on a haircut and BOOM! — they become moderately attractive adults. Haven’t we ALL done this? If we’re handing out awards for People Who Look Less Atrocious As Adults Than They Did At 13 then I should take home Grand Prize, with Candace Cameron placing a close second.
If Matt has done one thing well, it is convincing the world that his average transformation from awkward n’ ugly man-boy to less awkward and kind of cute boy-man is hype-worthy. Now that is some f**cking wizardry.
[Please don’t hurt me, Matthew Lewis lovers. I can only take so many Confundus Charms before I curl up and cry in the fetal position.]