Can you guess the best show on Oprah’s TV network, OWN? Sure, The Gayle King Show is fun. And Our America With Lisa Ling is fascinating, as is Master Class. But the best show on the flailing channel is easily Oprah 25: Behind The Scenes, an incredibly rewarding peek into Oprah’s life at her production company and what went into the final season of Oprah’s talk show. Even though it’s a reality show, it doesn’t possess that layer of filth that accompanies most “documentary-style” garbage since there’s really no one to hate. It’s pretty fun. Plus, Oprah’s dog is gorgeous.
Meanwhile, the network boasts other reality shows that focus on The Judds, Sarah Ferguson, and Ryan and Tatum O’Neal. So, basically, everyone has a reality show now. You will have a reality show, and it will be about how you — like Sinbad, Heidi Montag, and some douche from Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Who Farted XXI — have trouble cooking peas. You will talk about how you came on the show to prove something and not make friends because that’s just how we live now.
Honestly, no one is watching OWN because WHO CARES about Wynonna Judd and all her hats or Sarah Ferguson horse whispering? Oprah needs to change the sh*t up (which she will when she becomes CEO), and give reality shows to people actually worth our time. Rosie O’Donnell already has a talk show on the way, but there are still a slew of fameballz we’d love to watch in their day-to-day lives, week after week. Oprah, please hand over money and attention to:
20. DANNY DEVITO — As if he’s not good enough on It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, the guy is married to Rhea Perlman. Don’t you just want to see them hug?
19. MARIAN ROBINSON (OBAMA’S MOTHER-IN-LAW) — What goes on when you’re a grandma in the White House? SHOW US.
18. JACKEE HARRY: Her ex-husband has a show, for heaven’s sake, but we could watch Jackee go grocery shopping, and it would be better than everything else on TV.
17. ELMO — Sesame Street can’t contain this beast. What’s s/he like OFF THE STREET?
16. BILL COSBY — If we can’t get to see a house filled with Cosbys, we’d love to at least follow Big Papa on the graduate speech circuit.
15. SUZE ORMAN — Take us BLAZER SHOPPING!!!
14. MARC MORRONE, CRAZY ANIMAL GUY* — I mean, this guy. This guy with the animals. His house is DEFINITELY covered in piles of sh*t.
13. PAULA POUNDSTONE — Take us TIE SHOPPING!!!
12. THE CAST OF 30 ROCK — Tina Fey interacting with Tracy Morgan IRL? That would get our Emmy vote.
11. ELIOT SPITZER — His talk show’s been canned by CNN, so we might as well tag along to a couples counseling or two.
10. LAURYN HILL or ERYKAH BADU — With roughly 60 kids between them, either one of these beautiful, brilliant/bonkers ladies could be Kate Gosselin With Talent.
9. KATHLEEN TURNER — She’s already amazing TV, so why not take it to the next level and let us accompany her on voice over auditions? Or whatever. We’d go anywhere with this one.
8. DON KING — Seriously, what else is he doing?
MRS. MR. & MRS. BACHMANN — Spa treatments, ballroom dancing, and zumba class are probably just a few of the zany antics that keep the romance alive between these two lovebirds.
6. MICHELLE COLLINS — Do you read this blog? Look at her.
5. WHITNEY HOUSTON (yes, again) — Being Bobby Brown was basically a terrifying Greek tragedy and public service announcement against drug use, all rolled into one. And we would watch it over and over again, even without Bobby.
4. JACKIE STALLONE — She already conquered Big Brother UK. Imagine this woman interacting in the REAL WORLD???
3. CELINE DION — She is f*cking amazing.
2. STEADMAN — Oprah’s beau has remained an enormous secret, far out of view from the public eye. What is it like to be MR. OPRAH?
1. OPRAH!!!!!!! — Who cares about Steadman??? MORE OPRAH AND HER DOGS, PLEASE!