John Stamos Finally Releases A Sex Tape

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College Humor has gone ahead and poured fantasy gasoline into the sex tank of millions of women, and, hell, everyone, with this exclusive video of John Stamos teaching people how to cuddle.
Oh, not just people. DANNY TANNER.

Yes, Danny is the undeserving recipient of Uncle Jesse’s patented Stamos Snugglefest, with moves including the Big Spoon, The Side-Rest Boob-Grab, The Pec Pillow, The “Stamos Swaddler,” and my new favorite mood, The “Shark Sleep.” Again, all of these moves are demonstrated on BOB SAGET.

John Stamos has managed to somehow get hotter and hotter with every passing year, leading me to believe that in about 50 years, he will officially be the world’s sexiest corpse. He’s almost 50! Fifty. FIFTY. Five Zero. L. ፶. 卌+十. ௫௯. ๕๙. It’s unbelievable in any language. Now, to put my body pillow in the microwave and wrap it around myself as I watch this:

You know who has never felt more alone in this world? Uncle Joey.

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