ABC is coming out with a new sitcom called “Work It” about two guys who dress up like women to get jobs in this now female-dominated working world (?) To spare us from having to watch this future worst thing we will ever see, we’ve gone ahead and just guessed the script to the entire series, which you can read below in all its terrible glory. (Opposite of) enjoy!
[Jake and Nicky are sitting at a bar]
Jake (The Sort Of Reasonable Main Guy): Well, that’s it. The last job opening in the city and I just blew it! Seems like no one’s hiring these days.
Nicky (His Less Reasonable Friend): Hey man, could be worse. At least you didn’t get Donnie Trumped like me!
Jake: Donnie Trumped?
Nicky: “You’re Fired.” [LAUGHTRACK]
Jake: But what am I gonna tell Emily, she’ll kill me!
Nicky: PSH, women. “Get a job, gimmie money, do thiiiiss dooo thaaaattt nag nag shopping heels!” I’m just so glad I’m a man, so I can watch football and pee standin’ up!
Jake: Nicky, we went to college together – I’ve seen you pee lying down. [LAUGHTRACK]
Nicky: Hey, I repaid the Reverend for the carpet cleaning! [LAUGHTRACK]
[Hot Girl “Hot Girl 1″ Walks In]
Nicky: Speaking of women…Whoaaa, MAMASITA.
Jake: Don’t even think about it, Nicky, she looks like a professional type, there’s no way she’ll go for an unemployed loser like you.
Nicky: I’ll have you know, I’ve been with plenty of professional women.
Jake: Yeah, it doesn’t count if you’re paying them. [LAUGHTRACK]
[Nicky goes up to Hot Girl 1]
Nicky: Hey gorgeous, are those astronaut pants? Cause your ASS is outta this world!
Hot Girl 1: [Rolls Eyes] First of all, this is a $1200 suit. And second of all, how can I put this nicely? IN YOUR FREAKING DREAMS! [LAUGHTRACK]
Nicky: Oh for sure in my dreams, but I was hoping for in real life too! [LAUGHTRACK – WOO’ING]
Hot Girl 1: Do you even have a job? I’m an executive businessperson at JobCo, I don’t have time for losers like you.
Nicky: Oh trust me, you have time — I only need two minutes! [LAUGHTRACK, Hot Girl 1 Walks Away] One minute! One!!! [LAUGHTRACK continues] Hm. Must’ve been my breath.
Jake: That’s IT!
Nicky: You think so? I knew it, I just ran out of Altoids, and I–
Jake: No no no, you idiot, don’t you see? WOMEN have all the jobs! The whole business world is going to women! So if we want to JOIN the workforce…
Nicky: …We have to sleep with that woman and convince her to hire us? [MILD LAUGHTRACK]
Jake: No you idiot. We have to BECOME women!
Nicky: Whoa whoa whoa, I don’t know… I mean, I want a job as much as the next man, but I could never have one of them operations where they take a scissors to your Mister Hoo-hah…
Jake: I don’t mean have an operation you idiot, we just have to dress and walk and talk like women and places will hire us! You know, like that movie Tootsie from thirty motherf***ing years ago!
Nicky: Say, you might be on to something. And if there’s one thing I know, it’s what women are like. [To Camera] We just have to WORK IT.
[“I’m Too Sexy”, “Dude Looks Like A Lady” and “I Feel Like A Woman” all start playing simultaneously. Montage of Jake and Nicky trying on womens’ outfits. Every outfit includes no fewer than 3 feather boas and Nicky is baffled by the zippers in the backs of clothing 57 consecutive times.]
Jake: IS THIS HOW YOU PUT MAKEUP ON, MAKEUP COUNTER LADY?
Makeup Counter Lady: WELL. I. NEVER! [Gets hit in the face with a pie]
[Cut To: The Big Reveal. Camera pans up in slo-mo as Jake and Nicky enter the JobCo office for their interview. Club remix of “Ladies Night” interspersed with “She’s A Lady” is playing, followed by “Dude Looks Like A Lady” again in its entirety.]
Male (Gay) Secretary: Jackie? Nickyia? Mr. Pemberton will see you in his office for the job interview now.
Jake: [In high woman voice] Thaaank youuu sweeet dearie! Where did you get those shoes they’re to DIE for!
Male (Gay) Secretary: Oh thank you! I got them at Butiqe on 9th. Where do you usually shop?
Jake: UHHHHHMMMMMMM. UHHHHMMMMMMMMM. UHHHHHHHHHH. OHHHHHHHH UHHHMMMMMMMM. UHHHMMMMMMMM. UHHMMM GEEZE I JUST OHHHSHHHHMUUMMMMMM. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HERRMMMMMMMMMMM MERMMMMMMMMMMM BLERMMMMMMMM DOOREMRMRMMMMMMMM ZOOOSOMOMOMOMOMOMOMMM LEMMMEEEE THINK UHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…
Male (Gay) Secretary: Is your friend ok?
Nicky: [High voice] He just loves shopping in soooo many different places he can’t choose!
Jake: Yes! That’s my GIRL, she knows me so well! We’re like Carrie and Blamantha.
Male (Gay) Secretary: You mean, SA-mantha?
Jake: Oh dearie me, of course that’s what I meant! I just love Sex And The Country! [LAUGHTRACK]
Male (Gay) Secretary: Ha ha, you’re so funny. I’ll put in a special word for you two. Have a good interview!
[They enter the boss’s office]
Mr. Pemberton: Hello ladies. So, we’re looking for two ladies to fill two open positions here at JobCo. Do you two have what it takes to be professional women?
Nicky: I’d say we each have a little more than it takes… [LAUGHTRACK, Jake shoves him quiet]
Jake: What…uuhmmm…she means by that is of course….not that we have penises or anything… because that would be ridiculous… just thatt weee really DO work a little bit extra hard! NO! Not hard. We really stick it in there. NO! I just mean… [LAUGHTRACK is going apesh*t]
Mr. Pemberton: I’ll tell you what! You’ve got the job. ON ONE CONDITION! [Jake and Nicky GULP] Nickyia, you have to come to dinner with me to celebrate.
Nicky: Ohhh, I don’t know…
Jake: YES! He’ll do it. Thank you Mr. Pemberton, thank you so much!
Nicky: [Pretend-playful, at Jake] Ohhh you biiiiitttch!
Mr. Pemberton: Great! You’re both hired. I just better not find out you have Y chromosomes!
Mr. Pemberton: Relax! Just joking! I know you’re both actually women. Why wouldn’t you be?
Nicky: You’re right! Darling!
[Jake and Nicky exit and high five. CUT TO: Scene where Jake tells Emily that he got the job and there’s nothing weird about it. Emily says “I’ll come surprise you at work in an episode or two and you’ll have to pretend you’re sick and hide” CUT TO: First day on the job]
Janet: Ohh, you must be the new girls! I’m Janet.
Jake: That’s us! So nice to meet you our fellow lady!
Janet: I’ll be right back, just gotta file this file in the file cabinet. [She walks over and bends down to use the file cabinet]
Nicky: Are those astronaut pants? Cause your ASS is outta this–[Jake smacks him]
Janet: …What did you say?
Janet: Were you just about to say my ass is out of this world?
Janet: I have never. EVER. IN MY LIFE. Been more…Flattered! I’ve been going to a powerwalking class and I’m so glad someone noticed!!! [LAUGHTRACK]
Nicky: Oh, well, you don’t have to tell me how hard it is to keep your ass in shape and also you know what sucks periods!
Janet: So true. Would you like some lunch? We’re having organic fennel salads with chevre and local beets!
Jake: Oh that’s alright, I brought my lunch.
[LAUGHTRACK explodes, but its swelling mass creates too strong a gravitational field and it re-implodes, causing a Laughtrack black hole that sucks all matter within 500 Parsecs into it. The show continues though.]
Jake: Just kidding! I…hate…food.
Janet: Us too! For the record another thing we hate is sports. [Nicky winces loudly] Are you ok?
Nicky: Just had a hot flash! [Mr. Pemberton enters]
Mr. Pemberton: So, Nickyia, are we still on for dinner tonight? [Slaps him on the ass. Crowd kind of “oohs” in a serious tone]
Nicky: Um, ummm, actually I believe Janet was already taking us all out. Right Janet? [Jabs her]
Janet: Ummm, you bet!
Nicky: Isn’t she lovely!
Mr. Pemberton: She sure is. And I should know — she’s my daughter! [LAUGHTRACK] You know what, the three of us should all go to dinner together! I can woo you, you can woo her (I mean that like you women do not like trying to date her because you’re not a man). Won’t that be a fun future episode?
Nicky: Sounds great!
Janet: In the meantime, let’s go celebrate!
[Cut To: Dance Club]
Nicky: One Budweiser please, bartender. I MEAANNNNN… One Cosmo! Mmmmm, my favorite drink.
Janet: Mine too! I’ll be right back, I have to use the ladies room. Want to come with me?
Nicky: Guhhhguhhhhhwhaaaaa into the LADIES room?
Janet: Uhhh, yahh, I need someone to help me fix my boobs in this bra. I’ll just need you to grab my boobs and squeeze them really hard to adjust them — you know, standard women stuff that we never tell guys. You DO know we all do that, don’t you?
Nicky: No, I’m just a guy pretending to be a girl to get a job…But I also experienced the double-edged sword of sexual harassment in the workplace, and have learned not to take this for granted. I’m just kidding again I’m actually a girl.
Janet: Unfortunately, I know all about how hard it is being a woman too. You know Nickyia, I find you very easy to talk to. You’re a really, really good friend [Kisses him]
Nicky: Yeah. Friend. [When Janet looks away, Nicky looks down at his crotch and whispers “Not now!” – LAUGHTRACK]
Janet: C’mon, SCREW GUYS, right? Let’s dance!
Nicky: Ooooh I love this song!
[Goes On For 26 Minutes]
Jake: [To Nicky, While They’re Dancing] I told you being a guy is a huge disadvantage! Now just don’t get me started on being white.