The Talk, the poor man’s version of The View, is losing three of its roundtable hosts. Reportedly, Holly Robinson Peete and Leah Remini will not return, and Sharon Osbourne is “taking time off.” Most likely, nobody gives a sh*t because who’s dying to hear The Queen of Queens talk about, like, manicures for dogs or whatever they talk about on the show?
On the other hand, this could be a prime opportunity to beat The View at its own game. Sure, Barbara Walters is virtually incoherent now, Sherri Shepherd is not of this dimension, and Whoopi Goldberg is this close to farting on live TV (and, consequently, not even flinching), meaning it would be hard to lure away viewers from the daily mess. But with our brilliant suggestions for replacements on The Talk, they could very well do it.
HIRE THESE PEOPLE:
The only reason The Real Housewives Of Miami should be brought back is because of Elsa Patton, mother of Housewife Marysol. The show was impossibly boring, except for the moments of brilliance that involved Elsa Patton — who is either addicted to cosmetic surgery or possibly the unfortunate victim to several arson crimes — brought her cockneyed wisdom to the screen. She loves herself, and we love her right back. Even if she doesn’t completely understand how things in the modern world work (see Elsa try to use a cell phone), she would make a great asset to a roundtable of ladies who talk a lot.
9. Mayim Bialik
She’s already been on The Talk. She’s also blogged for us, so, sure, we’re a little biased. But, hey, she’s Blossom. And she was in Beaches. Oh, and she’s a genius, having acquired a PhD. in neuroscience, which we’re surprised we spelled correctly. Also, she’s got a recurring role on one of TV’s most popular shows, The Big Bang Theory, so, honestly, just give her the job. She’s smarter than all of us.
8. Liza Minnelli
This woman. This WOMAN! To hear Liza Minnelli talk about anything is like being let in on a juicy secret, even if that secret is about nonsense. Liza is nuts with a
Z N, and she’d probably be the first person to say it. Drunk, sober, asleep, or awake, Liza is the consummate storyteller, an accomplished actress and singer and a true child of Hollywood. Who wouldn’t want to hear her talk about Casey Anthony thinking she’s talking about O.J. Simpson?
7. Roseanne Barr
Yes, she’s retired to a macadamia nut farm in Hawaii, and already has a reality show documenting her adventures in becoming one with nature (and nuts). But she’s still one of the smartest, funniest, most captivating female comedians we’ve ever known. And she’d probably curse a lot. (And, hello, a DARLENE/ROSEANNE reunion? Yes please!)
6. Macy Gray
Speaking of nuts, Macy Gray! She has, like, a million children and will forever be remembered for her epic appearance on MTV Cribs. So, yeah, let’s put her on TV.
5. Sandra Bernhard
One of the most biting, acerbic, clever comediennes we’ve ever known, Sandra Bernhard is someone who should be talking all the time. No one has a clearer, more logical visibility point from which to skew the shrapnels of nonsense that is our 24-hour news cycle. If you’re heard her on Howard Stern, you know that she is not only a voice of reason among madness, she’s also just really f’ing funny. Maybe she’d tickle Julie Chen?
4. Jackee Harry
We will never stop campaigning for this lady. She needs a pulpit, a soap box, or a web series. We’ve gone this route before, pushing to get her a reality show or to make her the next Betty White. Can you imagine an hour with her, every day? Actually, forget The Talk. If Joe Biden is thinking of stepping down next year, we know someone who’d be an excellent replacement.
3. Maria Shriver
If she’s willing to talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger, we’re willing to listen. Especially if he’s as much of a douche as we imagine he is. Also, she was a respected broadcast journalist, so she’d be fine. We just need Ah-nold stories.
2. Gayle King
If we can’t have Oprah, we’ll gladly take Gayle. She’s already got her own radio/TV talk show, on which she is perfectly lovely, charming, and funny. Her humor is irreverent, and she’s completely tuned into popular culture, so why not bring her onto a real network? And maybe she’d bring a buddy once in a while?
1. George Lopez
Well, he ain’t busy. And he can tell jokes. And hopefully, he’d bring the band because, man oh man, what else are you supposed to do after someone tells throws out a punchline that makes fun of Latin people? Also, he’s got a d*ck, which would be great because everyone else would try to rip it off. That would be fun to watch. Why you cry?