Three Burning Questions About Scarlett Johansson’s (Alleged) Nude Picture Scandal

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It’s been about eight hours or so since nude photos of a young woman that bares a striking resemblance to Scarlett Johansson were leaked online. After seeing the seismic force with which these photos hit the Internet, it’s a wonder that all of the underground tubes through which information flows to the World Wide Web—the Internet is powered by underground tubes, right???—didn’t rupture and burst. Thankfully, Al Gore had the foresight to envision the necessary precautions that needed to be undertaken in case of exactly this sort of incident back when he invented the Information Superhighway™.

We here at TheFABLife have been debating not only the authenticity of these (alleged) ScarJo nudes all day, but also the rationale for them. To that end, here are three burning questions that we demand President Obama answer in a televised address by nightfall (all of which assume that it is actually Miss Johansson who appears in these pics):

1) WHO WAS SCARLETT JOHANSSON SEXTING, ANYWAY?
That is a great question! Alas, only Scarlett, the end recipient, and probably some C.I.A. operatives with high-level security clearance* that gives them the access to wiretap anyone in the United States at will have the answer to that question for sure. However, we DID do some research to help narrow it down. According to the metadata in the pictures, these photographs were “Taken with a BlackBerry Bold 9000 Last Modified Date/Time = 20:25, Oct 12, 2010.” Hmmm, where was ScarJo on October 12 of last year? Well, internet sleuths have already determined that she was in her bedroom. Based on that, the lucky louie that she sent them to be could be: Her husband at the time, Ryan Reynolds (though they would go on to divorce just two months later); her Broadway co-star, Liev Schreiber (the gossip mill seriously churned during A View From The Bridge‘s run); or possibly even one of her We Bought A Zoo co-stars Matt Damon (who is happily married) or Thomas Haden Church (who is happily unmarried). What we DO know is that she almost certainly didn’t send them to Sean Penn, because those two didn’t hook up until March of 2011.

2) WHAT HAPPENED TO SCARJO’S BOOBS?
Until today, they were arguably the most fantasized about pair of breasts in the known universe. Going as far back as 2002, horndog movie critics like David Poland were cooing about her, um, potential. 2004′s A Love Song For Bobby Long would be all but forgotten if not for the screencap that appears above right, and Johansson’s appearance in the November 2006 issue of Allure has achieved Legendary Status™ in locker rooms worldwide. However, after seeing this morning’s photos, it seems evident that something happened along the way. They still look AMAZING, obvs, but also very different! Did she get a reduction? Did the pressure to be thin in Hollywood result in her curves melting down a cup size or two? Is is just a weird angle? We demand answers, Obama!

3) WHAT WILL THIS DO FOR SCARLETT JOHANSSON’S CAREER?
Nothing but good things, duh! Has a modern day nude picture scandal ever done anything but boost one’s career prospects? Besides, Scarlett’s career is sort of on the skids at the moment. Sure, she’s not even two years removed from winning a Tony, but there are vast conspiracy theories in theater snob circles that her victory was a ratings ploy to try and convince other Hollywood big wigs to spend some time on the Great White Way. And yes, she’s got a role in The Avengers, but we’ll bet you dollars to donuts that no one who’s excited for that movie is paying to see it based solely on ScarJo and her, um, pitchy Russian accent. Let’s face it, she could use a little bump, and who knows? This could lead to a Halle Berry in Swordfish sized paycheck for her, should she choose to capitalize on the event.

So, there you have it? Do you have theories, rumors, or wild speculation that you’d like to share? Hit us up in the comments. Until then, we await the results of President Obama’s Special ScarJo N00dz task force to report its findings.

*Translation: If you watched “Top Secret America” on Frontline, you’ll understand that’s just about everyone who works for the C.I.A.

PREVIOUSLY: Are These Scarlett Johansson Nude Photos Legit? [TheFABLife]

[Photo Credits: Getty Image, Allure Magazine]

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