Katie Holmes Is A Slutty Pumpkin

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Put down the lawsuit, Tom Cruise, we’re not insulting your lovely wife Katie Holmes. We’re just talking about her latest acting role! Katie is celebrating Halloween this year with a guest spot on How I Met Your Mother, where she will play the mysterious “Slutty Pumpkin.” The woman clad in a scandalous jack-o-lantern outfit stole Ted’s heart at a Halloween party years ago, and he’s been trying to track her down ever since. But lucky for him, it looks like this is the year that he gets reunited with his beloved Slutty Pumpkin. It’s a Halloween miracle! “Katie is a lovely and talented actress,” show creator Craig Thomas told NY Magazine, “which is why we’ve saved for her perhaps the most classily named character in our show’s history.” We can’t wait til the episode airs when Halloween gets nearer.

And speaking of scary things, Katie’s daughter Suri Cruise reported to her first day of programming school last week. The five-year-old will be attending the New Village Leadership Academy, a Scientology-based school which uses L. Ron Hubbard’s “study technology” educational model. It’s apparently a free form kind of place, where students work at their own pace to complete tasks and teachers give individual attention to each child. Doesn’t sound bad, right? But god forbid if the kid yawns. Apparently ol’ L. Ron believed that yawning was a sign that a child misunderstood the concept. So load up on expresso, kids! And attending students are also encouraged to sculpt the concepts they’ve learned about in clay. According to L. Ron, children need access to “mass” or else they start to feel “sort of spinny” and “squashed.” If it were us, we’d sculpt ourselves a shiv and get the hell out of there. No, put that lawsuit back DOWN Tom Cruise! We’re just kidding!

[Photo: Getty Images]