So, we’re a little bit obsessed with Halloween here at VH1 headquarters. (One glance at Best Week Ever should prove that much.) And since I finished my costume a week early this year, I have extra time to enjoy how much every other TV network in the country is also obsessed with the holiday. From vampires and witches to fairy tales and murderers, it’s as good a time to stay indoors as it is to go bobbing for apples — that’s what the kids do these days, right?
Monday: Martha Stewart’s Haunted House
8 p.m. Hallmark
Martha doesn’t do anything halfway, but Halloween has always been an excuse for her to go extra craft-crazy. Tonight, she’s teaching you how to create a haunted house and has Justin Long, one of the least-scary actors on the planet, do something to spook small children. My glue gun is ready!
Tuesday: Zombies: A Living History
8 p.m., History Channel
Lots of historical experts scare the sh– out of me with their talk of how the zombie virus could actually come to be, while actors moan and shuffle in the background. Watch the trailer here and you’ll see why I may stay indoors forever.
Wednesday: American Horror Story
10 p.m., FX
As anyone who’s ever watched anything before knows, Halloween is the night when the barrier between the living and the dead is thinnest. That’s got to make living in a haunted house extra fun! What’s even more fun/super creepy? Having Zachary Quinto as your interior decorator.
Thursday: Beavis and Butt-head
8 p.m., MTV
Heh-heh. In the first new episode of their big comeback, the boys discover the Twilight phenomenon and try to become “undead” to attract girls. Can’t. Freaking. Wait.
The Vampire Diaries
8 p.m., The CW
Much to our own delight, the people of Mystic Falls never learn that their many, many public festivities are just bait for murderous supernatural beings. This week, it’s a bloodthirsty ghost who’ll probably killing a few innocent cheerleaders at the Illumination Night party.
The Secret Circle
9 p.m., The CW
Cassie and her friends are just as naive about their parties as the Mystic Falls folks, though the body count isn’t quite as high in Chance Harbor. I’m just looking forward to seeing more of her new witch-slaying buddy, Jake.
9 p.m, NBC
Unfortunately hot on the heels of ABC’s big hit Once Upon a Time, this crime drama twists fairy tales into the stuff of nightmares. Which, they kind of were already, weren’t they?
Saturday: I’m sorry. It’s Halloween weekend. Get out there and party. Or at least get back to work on your Martha Stewart haunted house.
Sunday: Once Upon a Time
8 p.m., ABC
Like we said, this one’s a big hit, and it’s an amazing inspiration for twisted fairy-tale costumes — if you’ve got Project Runway speed-sewing skills. Also, Josh Dallas as Prince Charming = yum. Follow this up with a chaser of The Walking Dead, though, and you will think even Snow White has it easy.
Monday: See Saturday.