Justin Bieber Obviously Lied About Being A Virgin, Right?

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This is Mariah Yeater‘s junior high yearbook photograph. Mariah is the woman who claims that she took the holy virginity of he who is most coveted by other virgins Justin Bieber. And if that weren’t bad enough, she claims he lost his virginity on a “shelf” in an arena bathroom. (Coincidentally, the same place my parents fell in love.) Here is Mariah telling us about the encounter in her own words:

I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area . . . he told me he wanted to make love to me and that this was going to be his first time.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Good line. Good line Justin. What else did you tell her?

I asked him to put on a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to. In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to feel everything.

This last sentence PROVES that it’s not his first time. What Virgin would start making condom requests? If he’s that desperate to lose his v-ginnies at the Staples Center the kid would seriously put sanitation gloves on his person (his nickname for penis) and just get it over with. “I wanna feel everything” isn’t the line a virgin uses… it’s the line a 40-year-old Marine tells you in the back of a cab.* (*This never happened to me.) (**No, really.) (***Wait, was that bad? Should I not have done that?)

But wait, it gets worse for our little Biebernator: She also claims to have given birth to his toilet stall virginity baby!! Damn, way to get one past the sperm goalie your “first time” JB.

Now she’s demanding a paternity test — pause for Maury Dance:

Even though let’s get something clear: If this story does prove to be true, the girl is basically outing herself as a statutory rapist, as Justin was only 16 at the time of “impregnation.” Does that mean she’s telling the truth? Or is she just a random psycho looking for her day in the tabloid sun?

Either way, the real story here is this: Girls, even if you looked like Mariah in middle school (which I kind of did), you can still take Justin Bieber’s virginity. Night after night. It’s coming to an arena bathroom near you.

[Splash]

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