The Walking Dead Recap: Well Well Well…

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It’s The Walking Dead Season 2 Episode 4, entitled “Cherokee Rose,” brought to you by Cherikee Red, the cherry-flavored soft drink that still unbelievably exists in Pennsylvania and Ohio.

We rejoin The Walking Team right after Shane’s much-talked-about turn for the a-hole (I literally had a water cooler installed at work so I could stand around it and talk to co-workers about the Shane thing last week), and the group is holding an honorary rock-pile funeral for Otis to exercise their grief. Otis’ girlfriend steps forward and tells Shane to say a few words about Otis, because that’s definitely what would happen:

Shane’s like, “Otis gave himself up to save us all. And by ‘gave himself up’ I mean really, really intentionally. I mean, like, SO intentionally. He signed and notarized an intent to give himself up form to clarify that he was doing it intentionally, and then he did it intentionally. You gullible bastards. Am I still talking? What I meant to say was, I gotta go cut my hair again.”

Herschel pulls Rick aside right after the funeral (have you no respect for the intentionally gave themselves up, Hersch??) and tells him that they’re welcome to use the house while they’re looking for Sophia, but after that they have to be on their way. Also: If Herschel gets bit by a walker, he’ll be HERSCHEL WALKER. Awesome! I have something to root for on this show again.

In the meantime, the gang plans to go extract some water from one of Herschel’s five mundane, zombie-free wells. Why are they even showing this part? All they’re doing is uneventfully gathering some water from a well. I don’t understand it, and neither does that zombie down there in the well. OHNOOOO Waaaaitttttaminuteee…

There’s a walker in the well, but the group doesn’t want to shoot it to contaminate the water. Wait — that makes no sense. Were they actually planning to drink THIS WATER after bloodlessly hoisting the walker out? The walkers are constantly bleeding and leaking bodily fluids. Or were they worried about shooting it and contaminating the other four wells? Because if that’s somehow possible, then those other wells have to be contaminated already just by this decaying, bloody corpse already being in the well-system, right?

Anyway, they send a ham down on a rope and the walker doesn’t go for it, then they up the stakes and send Glenn “The Human Ham” down next, and they almost get him killed:

They rescue Glenn from the Tug O’ Death game, and Glenn successfully managed to hook the walker with his rope! Now it’s just a simple matter of pulling the decaying undead corpse who causes anyone it bites to turn into a decaying undead corpse out of the water so they can then drink that water. Whooooo’s thirsty?

Whoops! The plan turns bloody awful:

The zombie rips in half and all blood ever falls into the well (cue this song), thus ruining everything, and T-Dog bashes the half-zombie to death and jokes “I’m glad we didn’t do something stupid like shoot it.” Well? More like, poorly.

That scene was super gross, huh? Let’s watch the 1-800-PETMEDS dog to cleanse our palate:

Whew! Glenn and Maggie then set off for a nearby frontier town to search for supplies — “Me and [GULP] MAGGIE? [GULP] I [GULP] ok!” — and apparently, Maggie gets super turned on by generically-named stores:

They stroll past Shrugg’s Hardware and The Carriage Bar and into good ol’ Steve’s Pharmacy, where Glenn first finds a pregnancy test (probably for T-Dog!) and then a big box o’ condoms. Maggie catches him with the condoms and is like “Pretty confident there, huh?” Glenn’s like “GULLLLPPPPP!!!!!! I mean GULLLLLPPPPPP!!!!” and you know women! They just can’t resist gulping, bumbling awkward messes in the middle of abandoned pharmacies when legions of roving undead can eat you alive at any second:

Whoaaa, racy! But again, you still can’t show a boob on basic cable, cause that’d be super inappropriate. A quick reminder of the content rules:

I suppose we can chalk that scene up to Maggie’s completely illogical and unprecedented sexual desperation, because otherwise, huh? I was half-expecting Maggie to be like “Glenn? Glenn??” and have it cut and turn out that the whole scene was Glenn’s fantasy, and Maggie’s like “Did you just say ‘give it to me baby?’” and Glenn goes, “Uhhhh, yeah! I meant, give me those supplies, baby.”

Elsewhere, Andrea exists:

Rick is sitting with Carl and admits that Sophia is still missing, then he and Carl bond over having been shot. Before symbolically putting his Sheriff’s star in a drawer, Rick gives Carl his hat:

Speaking of symbolism, Daryl is searching an abandoned house with a crossbow looking to accidentally shoot Sophia, and comes across a CHEROKEE ROSE in the garden. He picks it and takes it back to Carol’s trailer, and explains that the flower got its name from Indians on the Trail Of Tears who planted flowers in honor of the children they lost along the way, and adds that maybe “This one is for Sophia.” So touching! Wait hold on, actually it’s the opposite of touching? Basically Daryl’s saying, “Maybe this death flower is in honor of Sophia, and also, never give up hope that we’re gonna find Sophia.” I don’t know. Just make that the episode title, not much else is going on:

The episode concludes with Glenn sneakily passing the pregnancy test to Lori, who goes out into the field to pee on it (great Foley Artistry in that scene, right?) and finds out what we’ve all known for like eighty-five episodes (even though there’ve only been ten): Lori is pregnant.

Yipes! Stripes! This ain’t good at all. Not only does Lori not have the resources or ability to deliver and raise a baby in this always-on-the-go zombieworld (especially one day after making a compelling case to let Carl die), but on top of that, it’s clearly Shane’s baby. Might we be attending a Zombie Maury somewhere down the line? I haven’t read the comic, but I’m thinking yes. “Shane…you ARE the BRAINNNSSSSSSSS…” (SPOILER!)

So basically, nothing new happened this week. Some filler episodes were to be expected this season (Episode 4 of Season 2 = Track 4 of a band’s second album), but after watching the Steelers blow their game against the Ravens right before starting this episode on DVR, I was pretty much gonna be mad at any moving images I saw for the next 24 hours regardless. Except that PETMEDS dog.

Oh also, the ‘On The Next Walking Dead’ segment tipped its racist hand just a tad…

Merle’s coming back!!! And not a MOMENT TOO SOON if you really missed this show’s dialogue sounding like the movie Crash.

Episode Thoughts? Boring Ep? Underratedly Exciting Ep? Lori Pregnancy Predictions? Anything else we missed? Leave ‘em in the comments.

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