A Guide To The Real Househusbands: From Hot To Not

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Much ballyhoo is made over the ever-changing appearance of our beloved Bravo Real Housewives. But never before have the Househusbands from the various locales been put up against one another in a no holds barred HOTNESS RANKING.

Well that all chances today. Presenting BWE.tv’s A Guide To The Real Househusbands, Ranked From Hot To Not. Most every husband or boyfriend from all the seasons — Orange County, New York, New Jersey, Atlanta, even D.C. — have been included. The only season we turned a blind eye to was Miami, because really, no one should have to think about that season. (And I’m a Miami native, so I should know.) So prepare to be turned on, and then slowly but increasingly turned off, as we rank the Real Househusbands from Hot To Not. Things are about to get extremely controversial.


Mauricio Umansky

Housewife: Kyle Richards
Season: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Status: Married
Hot Or Not: HOT. Mario tops this list because not only is he a super boiling hot version of John Turturro (I’ve lost you, keep reading), but frankly because of how much he loves his wife. Here’s a man who is tall, dark, handsome, and would do anything for Kyle. That puts him ahead of the next husband on our list, who while also sizzling hot, secretly, deep down kind is kind of a d*ck.




Mario Singer
Housewife: Ramona Singer
Season: The Real Housewives of New York
Status: Married
Hot Or Not: Mario has got a hot old man thing happening, which means he was at one point just a regular young hot dude. And he’s married to a legit insane person, once again upping his attractiveness. But judging by the perma-ess-eating-grin he wears on the daily, we’re thinking he fools around on his poor, cross-eyed wife in an effort to remind him of his younger, more virile days. Also he can be kind of a d*ck sometimes.



Eddie Cibrian
Housewife: Brandi Glanville
Season: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Status: Divorced
Hot Or Not: Struggling Actor Eddie Cibrian is hottttttt as sh*ttttttttttttttttttt, despite the fact that he hasn’t ever even ONCE won a Cable Ace Award. Sadly, he likes to put it in girls who look like sad hungry lions. As a well-fed psyched lion, it would never work.



Apollo Nida
Housewife: Phaedra Parks
Season: The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Status: Married
Hot Or Not: Apollo is a good-looking, strong-ass man. And depending on how often you write letters to inmates (daily, don’t lie), the fact that he has a criminal record only ups his sexiness. Wait, what? It’s for racketeering? Nevermind… next!



Ebong Eka
Housewife: Lynda Erkiletian
Season: The Real Housewives of D.C.
Status: Dating
Hot Or Not: This is one douchebag I wouldn’t mind giving a squeeze to IF YOU READ ME.



Slade Smiley
Housewife: Gretchen Rossi
Season: The Real Housewives of Orange County
Status: Dating
Hot Or Not: The guy is 9 feet tall and still manages to work a European cut velvet blazer.



Kroy Biermann
Housewife: Kim Zolciak
Season: The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Status: Married
Hot Or Not: He might be brain damaged, but he a good man.



Joe Gorga
Housewife: Melissa Gorga
Season: The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Status: Married
Hot Or Not: Joe happens to be the same size and width as a 99 cent Ikea meatball, but still, he’s pretty hot. I don’t care, I said it. He’s hot. Even if his winter scarf is just long eyebrow hairs he wraps around his neck, he’s hot.



Jason Hoppy
Housewife: Bethenney Frankel
Season: The Real Housewives of New York (former)
Status: Married
Hot Or Not: Jason Hoppy is a good man. He’s also one of the few metro-essuals on this list. And his insecurities about Bethenny hiring a super hot male assistant are a slight turn on, depending on how sexy you find the movie Unlawful Entry. (I find it very sexy. I love a pocked Ray Liotta holding a flashlight outside. But that’s ME.)



Charles Ommanney
Housewife: Cat Ommanney
Season: The Real Housewives of D.C.
Status: Divorced
Hot Or Not: Speaking of pocked Ray Liotta’s, meet Charles Omanney. OK he looks like he just crawled out of the Roger Rabbit dip, but the guy has got real talent behind that political lens. Also he dumped his British Chupacabra of a wife, meaning there’s a new open seat on Air Force One with your name on it.



Ken Todd
Housewife: Lisa Vanderpump
Season: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Status: Married
Hot Or Not: Those of you wondering whatever happened to Shadoe Stevens, meet Ken. Guys, he has a really great sense of humor and an accent. Done.



Rich Wakile
Housewife: Kathy Wakile
Season: The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Status: Married
Hot Or Not: Rich might not be the hottest guy in this list, but he’s definitely the Sweathoggiest! Yes, our Lebanese John Turturro has a sort of hilarious face, but he also has a hilarious attitude. Oh and he loves his wife Kathy more than anything, earning him huge, toothy, giant-glassesed points in our book.



Charles Laurita
Housewife: Jacqueline Lauritta
Season: The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Status: Married
Hot Or Not: He’s kind of like a wet fart in a goatee. But he had kind of a hot Tony Danza thing going on when he was young, so I guess he’s OK?



Dr. Paul Nassif
Housewife: Adrianne Maloof
Season: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Status: Married
Hot Or Not: Paul, the reason I used this hyper-flattering photo of you and your wife is in the hopes of getting some sort of plastic surgery discount. I promise I won’t kick you in the face like your son. So? Huh? Camman.



Kelsey Grammer
Housewife: Camille Grammer
Season: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Status: Divorced
Hot Or Not: Kelsey left his wife for a younger blond doppleganger and, according to Camille, likes to cross-dress. Oh Frasier…. we kind of always knew.



Peter Thomas
Housewife: Cynthia Bailey
Season: The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Status: Married
Hot Or Not: Something about this guy’s bloodshot eyes makes us want to self-baste in Visine. If this is what models like Cynthia are pulling — bald guys with ego issues and business problems — there is no hope for any of us.



Albert Manzo
Housewife: Caroline Manzo
Season: The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Status: Married
Hot Or Not: Can’t hate on Albert. He’s Albert.



Joe Giudice
Housewife: Teresa Giudice
Season: The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Status: Married
Hot Or Not: Joe’s looks have really gone downhill since his debut performance in Gorillas In The Mist.



Bobby Zarin
Housewife: Jill Zarin
Season: The Real Housewives of New York
Status: Married
Hot Or Not: Bobby Zarin of Zaaaaaaaaaarin Faaaaaaaaaaaabrics is your typical old Jewish husband. I would hate to see him without those snazzy Cazal frames on.


Simon Van Kempen
Housewife: Alex McCord
Season: The Real Housewives of New York
Status: Married
Hot Or Not: Simon has been put through the physical ringer plennnty of times, so saying anything mean just seems hurtful at this point. Hey Simon! We’re laying off you on this one pal! Enjoy the rest of your week.



Jim Bellino
Housewife: Alexis Bellino
Season: The Real Housewives of Orange County
Status: Married
Hot Or Not: This guy is a controlling sack of hideous sh*t. And that goatee ain’t fooling anyone, we know you’re hiding a few chins behind that thing. That’s as kind as I can get. (I really hate Jim.)



John Flynn
Housewife: Dana Wilkey
Season: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Status: Engaged
Hot Or Not: If you ever wondered where the leftover skin went after the ladies of Beverly Hills gets a facelift, meet John Flynn, whose face is a living, breathing leftover skin quilt. I guess she’ll do whatever it takes for those $25,000 frames. And I mean “do”…. WHATEVER. It takes.



Ken Blumenfeld
Housewife: Kim Richards
Season: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Status: Dating
Hot Or Not: My mother said it best when she called this guy a “portobello mushroom.” And not only is he a real life “Pizza The Hut,” but it was just discovered that he’s still cruising for ladies on Match.com even though he’s been with poor Kim for over a year. THAT AIN’T RIGHT MUSHROOM.

Yes, this guide is very controversial, we know. Feel free to debate our hotness rankings of the Real Househusbands or perhaps mention some gentlemen that we’ve mercilessly left off this list (do we really have to rank Nene’s Greg? Really???). The comments. Enjoy.