The Walking Dead Recap: The Secret Life Of (Zom)Bees

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It’s The Walking Dead Season 2, Episode 6 entitled “Secrets”, and no, that’s not a reference to the Conan “Secrets” segments – it refers to Lori’s pregnancy, Lori’s relationship with Shane, Hershel’s barn full of walkers, Lori’s relationship with Hershel’s barn full of walkers, Lori’s pregnancy from Hershel’s barn full of walkers, Hershel’s pregnancy from Shane, and Shane’s barn full of walkers that he makes pregnant. And everyone only told Glenn.

While Glenn wrestles with his inner Cindy Brady, the group takes a nice break from their grueling “looking for that kid whose sustained life becomes more questionable by the second” schedule for a fun afternoon of target practice!

The target practice is purportedly to find someone good enough at shooting to accompany Shane on his Sophia search, but 1) Why can’t Rick just go? and 2) If gunshots attract walkers and they’ve been super-careful this whole time about using guns unless it’s 100% necessary, then why are they firing hundreds of loud bullets at cans? Also, how many bullets do they have? And most of all, where did they get all these handy target bottles?

On the plus side, the group is actually very good at shooting cans, including Hershel’s weird kids (who multiply by the week) and Carl, who’s up on his feet and back to being the 1870s prospector he always was:

On the minus side, this guy isn’t too happy:

Andrea emerges as the star pupil, still on a hot streak after nailing Daryl in the neck, and Shane takes her to a secluded area for some Level 2 training, where she has to hit a moving target while Shane screams Full Metal Jacket insults into her face to simulate real-life scenarios when walkers arrive and start screaming insults into her face (Yo momma’s so BRAINNNNSSS!) Andrea proves not-unflappable (she gets very flapped when Shane crosses the line and references her dead sister and throws in a tasteless Jerry Sandusky joke), and she angrily storms off down the road (it’s interesting how little these characters seem to remember / care that the earth is teeming with zombie hordes).

Shane catches up with her and apologizes, and he convinces her to accompany him to their latest gross dead-end in their really long and crappy search for Sophia. They arrive at the housing development that they wanted to check out, and after all that planning and target practice and boners, it’s the least Sophia-being-there place they’ve been to yet:

They leave one of the houses (does that count as Sophia not being in any of them?) and uhoh! The development is full of walkers, and Andrea’s gonna have to hit some moving targets. Even worse: all the walkers are swinging from moving tree branches.

Andrea initially has trouble shooting the walkers in the head, but something suddenly clicks and she gets the eye of the tiger then suddenly she’s got mo’ headshots than a Chinese modeling agency (lyric from her crappy rap):

Shane and Andrea hop into the car (after killing 6 walkers, the exact right number to make a break for the car but not to allow the dozens of other walkers to swarm them, apparently) and they speed away triumphantly. Also, sudden badass Andrea wants her some SHANECROTCH:

The other half of the episode consists of Glenn trying to keep the two secrets he knows from everyone else in the group, but he instantly cracks and tells Dale about the barn full of walkers and Lori’s pregnancy, and Dale puts on his nosiest hat and instantly confronts both Hershel and Lori. First, he tells Hershel “Nervous Nellie, eh? Good use of N’s. Speaking of N’s, Nnnnnnwhy do you have a barn full of walkers?”

Hershel explains that the barn contains his wife and stepson, and that if the condition is treatable as he believes, then shooting walkers is akin to shooting diseased or disabled human beings, and that is why they’re breaking the legs of chickens and feeding them to the walkers by the sackful (KFC product idea – a sack full of chickens with broken legs. Call it the KFC SnackSack. This is no longer a joke.) Cool dilemma, though – looks like Hershel and Rick are headed for a good old-fashioned high school ethics club debate. Someone print up the nameplates and fill the pitchers of ice water!

Dale also instantly and SUPER awkwardly brings up Lori’s pregnancy (“My wife couldn’t stand the smell of meat. She had also been f***ed by Shane.”), and Lori isn’t sure how to handle it. She asks Glenn to make another run into town for her to pick up morning after pills, which makes no sense because she already tested positive for pregnancy but whatever, it’s the zombie apocalypse, who’s splitting medical hairs? Glenn and Maggie ride back into their old bangin’ grounds, they grab the supplies, and a walker attacks Maggie and proves why their decision to have sex there was an awful idea in the first place like we all said two recaps ago. Glenn mostly decapitates the walker with a board and stabs it to death in the face, and reminds Maggie of how many condoms they have left in between each stab.

They return to the farm and Maggie bitches at Lori for putting them in danger, then gets mad at Glenn then makes out with him and tells him he’s brave and a natural leader but the group treats him like zombie bait (even though that was in itself brave, wasn’t it?) Anyway, believable relationship:

Lori takes the morning after pills, even though again, they literally would not in any way affect someone who’s already pregnant, but then she panicks and throws them up, which is not dramatic because they wouldn’t have done anything. But sure enough, she leaves the pills lying around for Rick to find, right next to her pregnancy test and her Shane f**kjournal:

Rick confronts Lori, and in a simultaneously interesting and frustrating scene, he angrily asks why she never told him, and she responds that if she decided to not have the baby, she wanted it to be solely on her conscience. They both emerge from the charged-argument committed to the future-child and confident that they can make it work, which, in the words of Ojai Taxidermy, “Noooope!”

I’m sorry, I get that Lori feels motherly obligations and has fears of future guilt, and I’m fine with tv characters not acting fully rationally because actual people very often don’t, but cahhhmannnn, do NOT have that child! You won’t be mobile, you won’t be able to feed yourself or take medical care of yourself or the newborn, you probably won’t be able to deliver the child, and anytime the child cries it’ll put you all in danger (Lori even brings this point up herself) – what’s even to discuss here? Even The Pope was watching this thing going “Abort the f***in’ thing!”

Also, Lori mentions “Me and Shane…” and Rick’s like “Yeah, no biggie. The zombie apocalypse happening turns all regular sex rules into ‘celebrity sex list’ rules”. Does this mean that Dr. Jenner told Rick something about Lori & Shane when he whispered to him in the CDC? Cause it sure looked like Rick was surprised by the pregnancy news, but was well aware of her and Shane. Or did Jenner just whisper a Lost spoiler?

The episode concludes with Dale being randomly angry at Shane for messing with his daughter [not literal daughter, as someone pointed out in the comments, but he's basically been her father figure since he rescued them and reacted to Shane as such], and Dale brings up the unclear Otis incident and the time Shane pointed his gun at Rick, and Shane responds (less-Southernly paraphrased): “If you think I’d turn a gun on my best friend, what do you think I’d do to you?” (which is almost the exact line from Boardwalk Empire Season 1 when Arnold Rothstein tells the threatening story about making someone choke on a cue ball, but whatever, it’s all been done.)

Shane and Andrea are together, Rick and Lori are together, Glenn and Maggie are together, and other than Sophia still missing, everyone’s doing relatively well. Which means, obviously, that some sh*t is about to hit the fan next week, and by “sh*t” we mean “zombie teeth” and by “fan” we mean “someone’s arm.” I’m guessing Maggie.

Might it be time for Rick and Co. to forcefully take over Hershel’s farm? This Talking Dead viewer poll brutally agrees:

The Walking Dead Episode 6 Thoughts? Stuff we missed? Favorite / least favorite parts? Predictions of impending doom? Who will be the next to die / get zombiefied? Leave ‘em all in the comments.

(All pics via AMCTheWalkingDead.com, except my homemade ones (John Hand-cock))