Madonna has been officially booked for the next Super Bowl Halftime Show (though reports of The Puppy Bowl hiring Meowdonna for their Kitty Halftime Show remain unconfirmed). So what songs should we expect to hear from the Kingess of Pop? Let’s use our knowledge of past Super Bowl Halftime Shows to find out!
As we should all know by now, the 5 Main Characteristics Of Super Bowl Halftime Show songs are:
2) Big Groups Of Fans / Children / Ethnic Firefighters Or Whatever can dance to it
3) Not too obscene or suggestive (#BOOBGATE: NEVER FORGET)
4) Something the artist wants to promote, either a new song or a classic that our moms ask us to download for them the next day
5) Allows a guest star to join the artist onstage (This is the biggest guarantee of all)
With those five criteria in mind, here are the 8 Most Obvious Song Choices For Madonna’s Super Bowl Halftime Show:
8. Like A Virgin
Ultra-upbeat and positive, and contains Madonna’s most sing-along-able chorus, but this sexually suggestive choice might get nixed by the ever-uptight nextwork. “The Bridgestone Tire people have asked that their product not be associated with intact hymens…”
7. Ray Of Light
Also super-upbeat and perfectly nonsexual, plus it’ll spread the setlist out so it’s not all 80s and current-day songs (and there’s no way she’ll sneak Erotica on there), but it’s also borderline too-fast to dance to, plus it doesn’t have her catchiest chorus. They could just do the line “And I Feel!” repeated like 5 times and jump to the next song, like I do when I’m DJing childrens’ parties?
Allows for hordes of shirtless cowboy dancers to make an appearance (“YES!” – everyone watching the Super Bowl), plus it’s recognizable from that first simple guitar-riff, but this song has also largely been forgotten about. Might be more economical to just throw cowboys on some other song, if that’s legal.
5. Some Cover
The Black Eyed Peas (“Sweet Child O’ Mine”) and Prince (“We Will Rock You”) each snuck covers into their sets, and I’d bet on Madonna doing the same; the most likely options include either pulling a younger artist onstage for a generational crossover (“Firework”?) or perhaps more likely, doing a classic “tribute” type song that even cynical home-viewers have to refrain from making fun of. I’m seeing Beyonce and/or Adele coming onstage for a duet on Aretha Franklin’s “Think”.
Has a great buildup and might be ideal for an intro song (it could start before you see Madonna, and the stage is just like 6 mysterious dancers and a huge pile of Bridgestone tires), plus it’s a song everyone knows and it passes the nonsexual test, but it’s also 5 minutes long so they’ll have to cut it down pretty mercilessly. “Strike a – VOGUE! Move to the music GENE KELLY!” [Freeze! Next song, parents watch bewilderingly]
3. Express Yourself
Catchy, likeable, and sexually benign. THE SAME WAY I LIKE MY WOMEN.
2. Give Me All Your Love
The future hit song features Nicki Minaj and M.I.A., so it’s off the charts in the “New Song Promotion” and “Guest Stars” categories, plus Madonna has to work one new song into the set. I wouldn’t be surprised if it also medleys into “4 Minutes” so Justin Timberlake can join too, especially if it coincides with, like, the Blu-Ray release of In Time.
1. Like A Prayer
The no-brainerest of them all — a shoe-in as the closing number, along with 9 trillion dancing kids whose outfits spell out some generally uplifting image like the word “HOPE” when viewed from above. This is being rehearsed as we speak. Then Madonna flashes her vagina at the last second, and Tom Petty performs the next 27 Super Bowls. YA HEARD IT HERE.
Other Madonna setlist predictions? Leave ‘em in the comments.
SEE ALSO: Vh1 Tuner’s Madonna Dream Set