MY MOTHER RECAPS THE REAL HOUSEWIVES: I Tell You, I’m Shaking

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Last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills had everything one looks for in a good episode: Crying, fights, and lasers pointed at nipples. Yes, Brandi Glanvillethrew a party at a friend’s house in Malibu, and all our little rich wife ladies show up, save for Lisa Vanderpump, who is too good for it, and Kim Richards, who was riding a parachute with her boyfriends face on it over the Mississippi in a dream she was having. Taylor Armstrong was stressed about the event, where she was most certainly going to confront Camille Grammer, the only woman brave enough (and cruel enough) to out Taylor’s allegations of abuse against husband Russell. And by her side was Kyle Richards, who had been putting her ankles behind her neck all day in anticipation of showing us that she can do the splits AGAIN.

Of course, a huge fight erupted, and Taylor lost her sh*t (literally, only because she hasn’t eaten, there was nothing to be seen). Following the episode, I called up my dear mother Judy in Florida to get her thoughts on the episode as per usual. Here is what she had to say:

Her Initial Thoughts On “The Fight”

I tell you I’m shaking. I’m very upset. You? What the hell was that yellow dress woman? Where did she come from? I know she’s Camille’s girlfriend, but it’s not your fight. You’re not her attorney! It’s not Judge Judy over here, and she was relentless. And Camille’s such a f**king assh*le that she cannot stand up for herself.

Look, we know the outcome with the suicide of the husband, so who the hell knows what was going on that we know that made her act like this.

On Feeling Bad For Friends Of Alcoholics

It was very upsetting. I feel bad for Kyle. And let me tell you why. When good friends drink it’s hard to watch them lose it. How do you? You want to be on their side, on the other hand you get nauseous. You go home and what is this? Am I a babysitter? What is that? When I saw Kyle in the car, she had to tell Taylor to cover herself up, stop it, what’s going on? It’s very hard to be friends with an alcoholic.

Where I Ask My Mom “Why Did They Have To Even Get Into A Fight At All?”

Because otherwise there’s no show. I’ve learned that over the years. Otherwise what would we have seen? Some wiggling asses drinking wine?

On Brandi’s Nipples

Brandi is pretty but very low class. And another thing: I would have never noticed her nipples in the dress had Kyle not been obsessed with them. She could have said once “Wow, it’s revealing” instead of the whole f**king night – “Nipples! You saw her nipples? Look at them!” – the whole f**king night. What are you a child? I’m surprised she cared, particularly in Hollywood where you see it all the time.

On The Facelift Mauricio’s Mother

I have to say something: Mauricio’s mother looks fabulous. I think I’m gonna go to Dr. Nassif. Did you see his wife? Not a f**king wrinkle anywhere.






Where My Mother Realizes Camille’s Faults

That Taylor just nauseates me. And what did Camille say to her? She didn’t reveal anything that this girl didn’t discuss with them. That he hits her and he broke her jaw and blah blah, she must have said it to them. Maybe Taylor got pissed that Camille brought it up in the open. Well, you know what, if that’s what she did then that was a low blow.

When Russ committed suicide, all the articles said the reason was because they had no money. If they have no money where do you get $50,000 for those parties? That’s a sh*tload of money. Where is it coming from?

But Where Were Lisa And Kim?

Lisa wouldn’t be caught dead there. And Kim, please, she hasn’t been on the show in a while now. You know, she hasn’t come to any functions… because she’s dysfunctional! (laughs at her own joke) Next week we’ll see her. Taylor’s gonna be on Andy Cohen later. I cannot stomach her. I find her dumb and ugly, it’s like a double whammy. At least Kyle is pretty to look at. Although today she annoyed me a bit. But she’s a gorgeous girl! Even Adrienne, such a classy dame. How she’s friendly with Brandi, I’m just not getting it.

On “The Wedding”

Let’s see what’s gonna happen at 11 on Andy. I can’t keep my eyes open. It’s only Taylor, no other guests. There was nothing going on except this stupid party and Lisa looking at the dishes. They’re starting to annoy me already. The wedding planner is starting to go on my nerves. Did you like those flowers over the table? I thought it was the ugliest sh*t ever. You’re gonna sit there with some sh*t hanging over your head? What the hell is that? “Oh, that’s gonna be the main table!” I thought “Good luck, you’re gonna look like a bunch of idiots.”

On Vegas Hookers

And what is it with the bachelor and bachelorette parties where you have to act like an assh*le? I don’t get it? You? It turns into strippers and raunchiness. That’s a last hurrah? I’m not getting it. Last hurrah… last whore-ah. (laughs)



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[Photos via BravoTV]