In terms of utter ridiculousness, no celebrity had a 2011 like Nicolas Cage. Sure, Charlie Sheen might’ve had his moments, as did the always-reliable Kardashians and Lindsay Lohan, but none of their selfconcious and quickly-tiresome antics held a candle to what Cage accomplished on the WTF front, as he seemed to be involved in new, uniquely-insane escapades both on and off the screen every single month of the year.
To salute Cage’s singularly insane 2011, and to give him some more memories to store in his pyramid tomb, here’s a list of the 8 Most Cage-tastic Nicolas Cage Moments Of 2011:
8. Cage Appears On Serbian Biology Textbook
In late November, the internet uncovered this Serbian Biology Textbook that featured on its cover a photo of Nicolas Cage and Holly Hunter from the highly educational Coen Brothers film Raising Arizona:
This wasn’t a random one-off book, either – it was a standard middle school biology textbook in Belgrade classrooms from 1993 to 2001. Random? Yes. But Nicolas Cagey? EXTREMELY.
As we said at the time, if we’re surprised by anything here, it’s that Nicolas Cage is standing in front of a rose garden and not somehow another picture of Nicolas Cage.
7. The Fudgsicle Story
Cage appeared at the Toronto Film Festival on September 14th for a Q&A about his film Trespass, and as you’d expect when a microphone is placed in front of Nicolas Cage, his answers were mostly just routine, mundane actor-responses, including this pretty standard story about the time a naked man eating a Fudgsicle broke into his home:
“It was two in the morning. I was living in Orange County at the time and was asleep with my wife. My two-year old at the time was in another room. I opened my eyes and there was a naked man wearing my leather jacket eating a Fudgesicle in front of my bed,” he told reporters on Wednesday.
“I know it sounds funny … but it was horrifying.”
Cage said the ordeal ended after he talked the man out of the house and police arrived. He did not press charges, as the man had mental problems, but Cage, who now lives in Nassau, Bahamas, said he could not stay in the house after that.
CLASSIC CAGETM. Of course all of that happened. Although, there was one more twist – that naked man with the Fudgesicle turned out to be……Also Nicolas Cage.
6. The Nicolas Cage Song
The internet has long been aware of Cage’s unparalleled legacy of onscreen ridiculousness, and much in the same vein as the evergreen Wicker Man Highlight Reel came 2011’s “Nicolas Cage Song Video”, a comprehensive remix of Cage’s most insane cinematic moments cut together into one Cagetastic jam:
That three-minute video would’ve grossed more at the box office than 9 out of Cage’s last 10 actual projects.
5. Bailed Out By Dog The Bounty Hunter
In April, Cage was arrested in New Orleans on charges of public intoxication, disturbing the peace, and domestic battery (for allegedly grabbing his wife’s upper-arm). None of this is amusing, obviously, and we don’t wish to make light of a potentially serious situation, even if the charges were ultimately dropped. So why mention it in this list of Cage-iest Moments of 2011?
Because Nic Cage was bailed out of jail by none other than Duane Lee “Dog” Chapman, aka Dog The Bounty Hunter, who put up $11,000 for Cage’s bail.
Why Dog The Bounty Hunter, who usually operates out of Hawaii? As with every other item on this list, the only proper sequence of responses goes something like “Huh? Why did…how…the…wha-” “It’s NICOLAS CAGE. Just, accept it.”
4. Season Of The Witch
Cage’s film career has gone from appearing in alternatingly good-and-bad movies throughout the late 90s and mid-2000s to now more or less appearing in one decent movie for every ten “Why Does Nic Cage Need To Say Yes To This Project At This Point In His Career? His Notorious Debt Problems Must Be REALLY Bad…” movies. These films will henceforth be known as “Cageies”.
Here’s the first of several Cageies in 2011, January’s Season Of The Witch, featuring Cage’s finest wig performance to date:
More like, Season of The WIG-tch, amiright?? You cringe, but would it shock you if that was an actual line of dialogue in this film?
3. This Symbolic Photo
Splash News snapped this photo of Cage on August 10th:
What’s significant about a random photo of Cage standing at an ATM? Just think of the symbolism: It’s Nic Cage dressing ‘cool’ with two pairs of sunglasses but looking super obviously old while also in need of money.
If that isn’t a microcosm of Cage’s last decade on this earth, I don’t know what is.
2. The Drive Angry Sex Scene
This entire list could’ve consisted of different scenes from the movie Drive Angry, but no single moment sums up both that film and Nic Cage’s current onscreen existence better than this one, Cage’s combination sex scene / violent gunfight.
In the scene, a completely naked Charlotte Ross and a completely clothed Cage are in mid-coitus when a half dozen armed goons burst in after Cage, and he proceeds to kill them all while managing to still have sex with Ross, drink from a whiskey bottle, smoke a cigar, dodge a flying hatchet, and shrug off a taser to the head. Expect to see these clips again during Oscar’s “Tribute To Realism” montage next year.
You can click the pic below to watch the scene. It is very, very NSFW:
1. The 1870s Vampire Photo
In September, an eBay seller in Seattle uncovered this photo from the 1870s depicting a mustachioed Tennessee man bearing an uncanny resemblance to Nicolas Cage:
The seller speculated, logically, that Nic Cage is most likely an immortal vampire who’s been around for centuries, a claim which we quickly and incontrovertibly proved with 20 More Photos Proving Nic Cage Is A Vampire.
Just weeks later, someone else uncovered a photo allegedly depicting John Travolta in the 1860s:
Could this have been another hoax, capitalizing off the internet-attention given to the also-coincidental Cage photo? We say it’s much more likely that these photos prove, definitively, that THE MOVIE FACE/OFF EXISTED IN THE 1870S:
On behalf of The Internet, congratulations on a Cage-tastic 2011, Nic Cage! Good luck topping it in 2012. Some quick advice: Less assault allegations, more gunfight sex with vampire photos. Although, really, that’s just good sound advice for everyone.