Every Christmas, in countries around the world, small children wait eagerly in the hopes that on Christmas morning, their tree will be the crown on top of dozens of presents, all wrapped up and tagged with their names, just waiting to be torn open, played with for the day, and then forgotten about. But these children are warned: Act naughty, and you won’t be getting presents. Instead, your gift will be a visit from the famous Christmas monster so terrifying, so blood-curdling, that you’ll never behave badly again. And this monster’s name is Anthony Bourdain.
Well… close. It’s actually called a “Krampus” (also a brilliant Midol marketing campaign idea…), a mythical creature children raised in Alpine countries are told to believe in, who is part devil, part kidnapper, with splashes of Sandusky. Yes, the Krampus kidnaps children who behave badly before Christmas, and drags them off to his lair to do God knows what with them. (Honestly, I don’t understand how Swedish children make it past adolescence, this thing is f**king terrifying.)
And leave it to my favorite lung-rotted chef Anthony Bourdain to find a way to incorporate the Krampus into their No Reservations Christmas Special, in a segment called “A Krampus Carol” (aww). Turns out, Travel Channel executives thought the segment was “2Hot4TV.xxx“, and pulled it from the final edit.
This is a great video to show to your own children in order to deduce if they’re p*ssies or not. For the record: It scared me.
I, for one, say we don’t terrify our children enough. They’re too coddled!! I say we bring back the Krampus to remind kids of what Christmas is about!! (Which I think is about not acting like a spoiled little a-hole.)
Google Image Search a Krampus at your own risk. IT’S THE WORST.