Top Chef Texas Recap: Game Of Bones


It’s Top Chef Texas episode 7, entitled “Game On”, which was also the title of the first episode of the first reality show in history (a 1932 radio serial called “Y’all Survive Now, Y’hear?” where contestants tried to literally survive the Dust Bowl. They’d always be like, “I’m here to cook MY food to survive the Dust Bowl”.)

The guest judge is Tim Love (surprised it’s taken this long to see him), and for the Quickfire, the chefs will have to prepare dishes that pair well with Don Julio tequila, meaning, they will have to prepare a dish and set it next to some tequila. “I made a lime-infused worm with an end of night bad idea reduction…”

After 12 shots of tequila, Tim and Padma are a little tipsy when it comes time to judge:

Ed declares, “Tequila and Tim Love? Sounds like a great way to spend a morning.” AWWWWW YEAHHHHH!!! Or, yeah? Is that sexual? Is it sarcastic? What are clips??

Ty-Lor is super-confident for once, saying he’s replicating his favorite margarita from a beach in Thailand. What he doesn’t specify, though, is that “Ty-Land” is actually a wading pool in his backyard with burnt-out strobe lights around it.

The chefs present their Quickfire dishes and try to yammer high-mindedly about how the food pairs with the tequila and isn’t just the taste of food followed by the taste of crappy burning. Some of the dishes include funny words:

In the end, Ty-Lor actually takes the Quickfire Challenge for his Steamed Clams in Thai Style Fish Caramel Sauce (“no, no, I said steamed hams!”), earning himself some money, a smile, and approximately 1.3 more weeks on this show. He proclaims “My food is rockin’ off the chart,” which, sure.

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs will be paired with the person they’re standing next to for a GAME CHALLENGE. Is this like, a Nick Arcade “game” challenge, or more like The Game with Michael Douglas, that movie where his head becomes puzzle pieces?

And! Speaking of Arcades, Padma’s outfit this week slightly resembled that of T-Hawk from Street Fighter 2:

I realize that’s a stretch, but so’s everything in these Recaps. Especially my words and opinions.

The chefs will have to prepare dishes using traditional wild game, with the teams split up as follows (feel free to tune out here, more pictures coming up):

Paul & Sarah – Squab
Chris J & Grayson – Elk
Heather & Beverly – Duck
(Very convenient that they were standing next to each other, huh?)
Edward & Ty-Lor – Quail
Nyesha & Dakota – Venison
Other Chris & Lindsay – Wild Boar

Fortunately, no one will have to cook actual board games, like Eddie Murphy’s poor father in one of the best standup bits ever (language NSFW):

It’s also a double-elimination week, where the losing pair will go home, but the winning pair gets to split $10,000, and the chefs themselves will be deciding which three groups will be in the bottom. TWIST ENOUGH FOR YA? I just said that nudgingly to a security guy in our office elevator. He was like, “Heather sucks!”

The Guest Judges will include Tim Love, Hugh Acheson, and like 37 more Expert Game People:

The bitchiness runs high between Heather and Beverly, with Heather first saying “I don’t want to go home because my food is too Asian”, then adding “Beverly’s questions are like a knife to the heart.” Really? Have you ever been stabbed in the heart, Heather? Cause I have, and it’s way morfwa_____

Hey what’s up, I just died and this is zombie me. BRAINS! Haha just kidding, not brains.

The chefs present their dishes in the Ace Ventura 2 Room Of Death, and all the dishes go over pretty well, with the exception of Dakota’s venison being too rare and Chris J’s botched and unnecessary sweet potato fries.

Ty-Lor and Ed are abruptly named the winners for their Sorghum Quail with Pickled Cherries and Eggplant. The judges are clearly impressed by anyone who actually knows what the hell to do with sorghum.

We’ll find out which pair is going home right after these messages:

I stopped my DVR fast-forward when I saw that. Fortunately, it was followed up by my favorite commercial on television, so my palate was quickly cleansed.

Back in the Stew Texas Stew Room, emotions are running high as the chefs themselves have to vote on which three groups to send out. Sarah is crying over her puny sausage (welcome to the club, Sarah!), Dakota is crying over her undercooked venison that she’s literally made a million times (she’s made deer a million times? Is she a wolf?) and of course, Beverly steps up and says “It’s ok to cry, even during a jovial rodeo.”

The chefs send out Chris J & Grayson, Heather & Beverly, and Dakota & Nyesha. Heather quickly relishes the opportunity to throw Beverly under last week’s bus (the time-traveling magic school bus?), which prompts more tears from Beverly, and turns the episode into one big ol’…

Even though Tom repeatedly says that Dakota & Nyesha’s dish was amazing aside from the rareness of the meat, Top Chef decides it just can’t resist a good controversy and spares the Heather/Beverly team, electing to send home Team Venison. At this point, I’m pretty sure Heather is a mole that the producers slipped in there to needlessly stir sh*t up in an otherwise calm and standard-seeming season. Also, Chris Jones was my pick as the early favorite, but he subtlely dodged a bullet this week – his only contribution was a sweet potato that he messed up and that detracted from the dish when he tried to salvage it.

Anyway, Dakota and Nyesha were probably the weakest of the three teams, even though they did mostly well this week. Sorry guys!

Top Chef “Game On” Thoughts? Reactions to the Nyesha / Dakota elimination? Thoughts on Heather the emerging villain? Can Ty-Lor turn it around? Who’s the favorite? Answer some or all of these in the comments, plz.

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