IT’S CHRISTMASTIME. DO YOU HAVE BUTTER, AMERICA? PROBABLY. YOU KNOW WHO DOESN’T HAVE IT? NORWAY. AND THIS GUY, I.E., MY NEW HERO:
If you’re like me, then you’ve already downed a bottle of red wine, watched this, and had a few questions. For example:
- Was that Kim Kardashian?
- Why does she always look so amazing? What is her secret???
- And wait… does Norway really have a butter shortage?
The answers to these questions are I think so; science; Propofol; and yes, Norway is really running out of butter! Which makes this video a lot more serious than you were thinking. How is Norway going to bake all that PUSSYCAT CAKE without BUTTER???
Say what you will about how this dude’s lips be popping, but I found this speech to be one of the most powerful messages to ever be broadcast via Youtube. If I ever run for President, you can almost guarantee that I will run on one giant, yellow, slippery and delicious butter platform. Because this speech was so damn amazing, I actually took time out of my human breathing life to transcribe the entire thing because, allow me to remind you, I just downed a bottle of Merlot and my teeth are navy blue. Let us begin:
“Hi. My name is Tommy. I’m a singer and a celebrities and a famurse – famous bloggers from Norway.
Some of you may know that we have a Butter Christ in Norway right now, which basically means that we can’t get any butter from the store. But I have noticed that some of your comedians in U.S.A. are making fun of the fact that we don’t have any butter products. Ummmmm then I wanna ask you this: What if it was you that didn’t have any butter? What if I came home to you and took your butter from your fridge? The friderator? And took your butter away from you? On any, on any other day?
Yes and, uh, let’s not shove it under the mat: We all know that American people are pretty overweight. How would you feel? What about your sweet potatoes and your ssssssss sour cream and your shtucking then?
Do you know what this is?
This is a traditional box of Norwegian butter. Let’s look inside:
It’s hardly empty. Do you know what’s approaching? Christmas is approach approaching. How do you think we feel? Do you know what the national Christmas cake in Norway is? It’s something called Luzekatte, Pussycats in English. Do you know what the main ingredients in the luzekatte is?
Do you think this is enough for all the Christmas cakes that ours gonna make in Christmas? NO. So foock yeuu Americaaaan sp-t-t-p-t-people. Because you don’t know how it feels being without butter in Christmastime. And I ask again, what if it was you? Who didn’t have butter? Would you go ask the neighbor? Oh no, that’s right! The neighbor doesn’t have butter either! Nobody in the whole wide fooking country has butter!
I will come to you house. I will go to your freshiator. Fridge. Freshiator. I will take your butter out of your fridge. I will eat the butter in front of you and your families’ eyes. And I- I force you to watch me while I eat all your butter that you were gonna have on Christmas Eve! Ning.
You will beg and cry and say ‘No! Don’t eat all our butter we need for Christmas!’ I will say ‘A-Ha! Not my problem!’ And take the empty butter and uh throw it on stairway. I will go home. And be the way, for all you Danish people, what if we came and take all your red sdisgusting saushetch soshtgdjh?
I don’t mean to be wilent I just have to paint it out so you understand. That is not wery nice. We are a country in need. And this is the thank. Thank you wery much.”
Those of you interested in helping Norway overcome its lardships, feel free to join the Butter For Norway Facebook page. Additionally, let it be known that this Tommy is of no relation to my favorite Norwegianly-named person ever, Odd Nansen.