2011 was a great year for television, with the acting, direction and writing of many shows beginning to surpass that of film. And with good TV comes amazing spoilers, those pivotal plot points that must be kept secret from people too lazy to watch sh*t as it airs.
But you know what, fun-ruiners? It’s the end of the year, and if you haven’t cranked up the ol’ DVR by now to get around to these shows, just face it already: You never will. So why don’t you just read them now? A bunch of us VH1 staffers got together and compiled a list of the best spoilers of the year. So why are still waiting? Here are The 12 Biggest TV Spoilers of 2011. Spoiler: There’s a lot of incest and murder.
Oh, and definitely forward this to your co-worker or friend who wakes up every night screaming “NO SPOILERS” mid-fever dream.
12. American Horror Story
Tate Is Vivian’s Rubber Suit Wearing Demon Baby-Daddy And Violet Is Way Dead. The first time I watched AHS I had nightmares, which is apparently all the more reason to keep watching as I’m completely hooked. More baby trolls and drowned nurses, please! Ryan Murphy is fearless when it comes to his FX hit, sending main characters into the afterlife and making the world’s most precious teen killer the rapist of his true love’s mom. Talk about a deal breaker, amirite Liz Lemons of the world? Poor, angsty Violet – first she learns that she’s actually dead after shoving a bucket of pills in her mouth, her body frozen in the Michael Jackson “Thriller” position in the basement. But then to find out her murderous boyfriend also raped her own mother while wearing a rubber sex suit — AND planted his demon seed inside of her, fathering her new sibling? That makes my brain “asdfghjkl,” it’s so effed up. Which is why I can’t turn this goddamn show off. — Kate Spencer
11. Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event
Spoiler Alert: They Don’t Live Happily Ever After. We all knew that Kim Kardashian’s wedding to Kris Humphries was a money-making scam and a spectacle that was equal parts disgusting and disgusting. But that doesn’t mean the world was prepared to say goodbye to this holy union less than three months into the marriage. Call me optimistic, but Kim’s sisters are actually in long-term relationships (sure, both relationships are ridiculous, but there’s a shred of love there, I think) and Kris and Bruce Jenner have spent twenty years happily evolving their faces together, so it’s not like she doesn’t have some foundation to build on. Despite the fact that Kim is a product of a reality-obsessed country, I hoped a part of her reality was that she was not completely full of shit and that her “marriage” would not make a mockery of the institution. “Gays can’t get married but this woman can?” was the rally cry after the split was announced. You can “NO H8″ all you want, but what Kim proved was that you can also get married with “No <3." — Liz Black
Because I am kind, I put actual shocking spoilers ahead. Read at your own risk. (God, just read them.)
Deb, His Sister, Falls In Sexual Love With Dexter. OK, I’ll be honest: I didn’t watch Dexter this season. This has less to do with the fact that I find Edward James Olmos to be revolting (Spoiler Alert! If you’re EJO that is.) and more to do that I cancelled my Showtime subscrippy. That being said, I couldn’t help but spoil myself for Season 6 of Dexter, because let’s fact it, I’ll never sit and watch the whole season. And HOLY SH*T, what? Deb tells Dexter she has sexual feelings for him while simultaneously finding him murdering Colin Hanks. (I mean someone had to.) Uh, OK, I know they’re bro-and-sis by “adoption only,” but that is still majorly Family Fubar (new incest game show hosted by Steve Harvey.) Dexter writers, I know you’re grasping at straws, but please leave the ones marked “desperate incest” where they belong. (In the straw hammock.) — Michelle Collins
9. Parks And Recreation
Ron Swanson Shaved His Stache. The collective jaw of Pawnee City Hall dropped when Ron Swanson shaved his mustache. With the appropriate amount of shock and awe, Leslie Knope gasped, “Ron! Your mustache fell off!” as he strolled into work naked-faced and whistling after ex-wife/she-devil Tammy 1 convinced him it was “unsanitary.” That trademark mustache served as a preserver of all things bacon and/or eggs. The Ron Swanson we know and love would never let a morsel of bacon, eggs, or heaven forbid, meat tornado go to waste. – Lauren Deiman
8. Boardwalk Empire
Nucky Shoots Jimmy. Just one episode after the long-awaited “Jimmy has sex with his mother scene” – err, did we say long-awaited? We meant, long… uh, whatever’s super not creepy – Jimmy approaches his mentor Nucky to make amends for a Season’s worth of treachery, and just when it appears Nucky is ready to bury the hatchet, he arranges a meeting where he personally shoots an unarmed Jimmy right in the head. The moment was certainly shocking, but we’re not entirely sure how Boardwalk Empire is going to continue for a third season without half of its opposing main-characters duo. It’d be like if Paul Simon went solo after Simon & Garfunkel, if Garfunkel were much more likeable, interesting, and a better actor than Simon.
RIP, Michael Pitt. At least that family from Funny Games finally got its revenge.
7. Jersey Shore
The Situation Is Not Looking Good, And Skinny Snooki Bangs Everyone. Between slamming his head against a wall during a fight with Ronnie, gossip-mongering and constantly bringing up his one-night stand with Snooki (which she denies ever happened), the house completely turns on The Situation. Meanwhile, Snooki manages to cheat on her boyfriend Jionni with both Vinny and possibly Deena, while Sammi and Ronnie miraculously keep their feuding to a (tension-filled) minimum. Not much of Italy is seen, other than the dance floors and the bottoms of naked statues. — Hallie Kiefer
6. All The Reality Show Winners From 2011
So Many Cooking Shows: Top Chef Season 8: Richard Blais; Top Chef: Just Desserts: Chris Hanmer; Hell’s Kitchen: Paul Niedermann; Survivor: South Pacific: Sophie Clarke; The Amazing Race: Ernie Halvorsen and Cindy Chiang; The Bachelorette: JP Rosenbaum; Big Brother: Rachel Reilly; America’s Next Top Model All-Stars: Lisa D’amato ; America’s Got Talent: Landau Eugene Murphy Jr; The Voice: Javier Colon; X Factor: TBD; American Idol: Scotty McCreery; Celebrity Apprentice: John Rich; Dancing With The Stars: JR Martinez; Project Runway: Anya Ayoung Chee; America’s Next Best Dance Crew: I aM mE; Top Chef Masters: Floyd Cardoz; Masterchef: Jennifer Behm; Design Star: Meg Caswell; The Next Food Network Star: Jeff Mauro; The Next Iron Chef Winner: Geoffrey Zakarian — Michelle Collins
5. True Blood
Lots Of People Get Shot In The Head. Also Eric And Bill Become Adam And Steve. Being shot in the head wasn’t enough to kill Marnie the Witch, whose spirit possessed Lafayette and made him stab boyfriend Jesus in the heart. That was in, like, the first 60 seconds of the finale. Guess they didn’t believe in saving the good stuff for last. Oh, no, actually, there was bigger stuff (and so much of it! Too many plotlines, True Blood! You hurt my head when all I want to see is more shirtless Eric and Alcide!). Sookie‘s gran convinced Marnie to go into the light and leave Lafayette alone. Sookie decided awesome vampire sex isn’t worth always getting almost killed, so she told both Eric and Bill that she was through with them. Looks like they might be finding solace with each other instead — especially after they killed that bitch Nan Flanagan. And, oh yeah, Debbie went after Sookie with a shotgun and shot Tara in the head instead. Then Sookie shot Debbie in the head. Two annoying characters, one gun. Also Felicity‘s Scott Foley (Team Noel forever!) is on next season as Terry’s old war buddy? My mind looks like Tara’s. — Sabrina Rojas-Weiss
4. The Walking Dead
Sophia Was A Walker The Whole Time. A painful majority of The Walking Dead Season 2 focuses on the characters’ slightly drawn-out search for Sophia, a child from the group who disappears into the woods when Rick tells her to run away because he has to easily kill two zombies with a rock and she shouldn’t just hide nearby (In Retrospect: Huh?)
The characters end up living on a nearby farmhouse and taking turns fruitlessly searching for the girl, and just when they finally face the question of whether or not to call off the search so as not to endanger the entire group, they discover that Sophia is one of several walkers that the farmer has been keeping stored away in a barn in the hopes of eventually finding a cure for their zombie-ism. The Midseason Finale concludes with Shane and Company slaughtering all the walkers in the barn, then Rick takes it upon himself to personally shoot Zombie Sophia, a twist that’s even more surprising than the fact that Midseason Finales are a thing. — Dan Hopper
3. Project Runway:
You Don’t Need To Know How To Make Sleeves To Win Project Runway. Right Anya? — Michelle Collins
2. Breaking Bad:
Gus Dies, And Walt Poisoned A Kid. I am proud to say that I finally caught up with Breaking Bad. Starting with season one at Thanksgiving, I powered my way through all four seasons of the series with the kind of unbridled energy known only to Skinny Pete. Sh*t got real in season four, with the Gus vs. Walt power dynamic reaching an all time meth high. And there were plenty of spoilers! Skyler gives an ess ton of money to Ted Beneke, which causes Walt to have a nervous breakdown in a crawl space. Andrea’s son Brock gets sick, and we are led to believe he ate Jesse’s “lucky” Ricin cigarette, only to find out it was a ruse placed by Walt, who was willing to harm a child in his most desperate hour. And, of course, Gus nails his audition to replace Aaron Eckhart as Twoface in the upcoming Dark Knight. (He dies.) But the biggest spoiler of all? Walt Jr. gets a PT Cruiser. (Cue losing horns.)
Also big ups to Dan Hopper for his AMAZING recaps of the show this year. If you missed them, send me a thank you note once you’ve clicked here. (Don’t send it to Dan, he HATES notes.) — Michelle Collins
1. Game Of Thrones
Ned Stark Gets Decapitated. In the biggest shocker of 2011, and arguably in tv history, the HBO fantasy epic killed off Ned Stark in its first season. The super-likeable, super-honorable Ned was not only the show’s main protagonist and the actor listed first in the credits, but was also the character featured on every Game Of Thrones poster, billboard, and even the DVDs.
Plus, for added ‘make you scream HOLY SH*T did that really just happen?’ at your screen, Ned’s decapitation (while his daughter watches) takes place in the second to last episode of Season One – not even the season finale – giving it a double-shocking effect that’ll ensure its place in crazy tv spoiler history.
With Game Of Thrones Season 2 set to air in April 2012, we now must face the question: Can Game Of Thrones survive with only 37 main characters remaining? — Dan Hopper
Thanks to Kate Spencer, Hallie Kiefer, Liz Black, Dan Hopper, Sabrina Rojas-Weiss and Lauren Deiman for contributing!