We still maintain that 2011 was The Year Of Nic Cage, but in terms of awesomely ridiculous things that make you simply say “Yep, that’s that guy,” R. Kelly was undoubtedly his closest musical equivalent. To generally help the universe, here is our extremely necessary retrospective of The 6 Greatest R. Kelly Moments Of 2011, beginning with a brand-new exciting announcement.
6. R. Announces 32 New Chapters Of “Trapped In The Closet”
TMZ caught up with R. this week and asked him about Trapped In The Closet, everyone’s favorite whatever medium you would call that thing, and R. unpromptedly replied that he’s written thirty-two new chapters of the epic, but doesn’t have the funding for it yet. Let me just scratch out the name on my Meals On Wheels check I was about to mail anddddd…voila! MORE TRAPPED!!! (Kidding! Obviously I wasn’t giving to charity and already write weekly checks to R. Kelly.)
Here’s R’s Breaking Trapped Update:
5. R. Releases His Autobiography, “Soula Coaster: The Diary Of Me”
Has there ever been a better title for an autobiography than Soula Coaster: The Diary Of Me? It’s simultaneously a grandiose, egotistical almost-pun and a completely nonsensical phrase. Meaning, it is R. Kelly.
4. R. Titles His Next Album “Black Panties”
After his brief ballady turn on Love Letter, R. announced he’d be returning to his hypersexual roots on his next album, subtlely titled “Black Panties”:
“I just did the whole Love Letter joint and everybody’s thinking, ‘ That’s the direction he’s going now,’” Kelly said on his Chicago hometown station. “No! That was a moment in time, just like ‘Ignition’ and ‘Bump N’ Grind.’ Now this Black Panties is the new 12 Play.”
No! I also can’t wait for 2013’s “Penis In Vagina: The Penis In Vagina Album”.
3. R. Sings Happy Birthday To Himself
I thought I was the only one who did this! (Sang Happy Birthday to R. Kelly on my birthday):
“Turn that sh*t off, man!” He is so self-deprecating and down to earth! He truly is worthy of that cigar and throne and birthday song to himself that he uploaded to Twitter.
2. R. Launches His Own “Love Letter Cruise”
True! We have never seen R. Kelly perform at sea. Is it different? Does his siren song lure unsuspecting very borderline-aged mermaids towards his loins? Better just book a ticket now to be safe.
1. R. Releases Post-Surgery Song Aimed At Haters Called “Shut Up!”
R. faced mountains of backlash for his alleged “peeing on minor” incident as well as his turn to autotune (though who among us can honestly say we’ve never done either thing?), prompting tons of criticism from ex-fans and even his former collaborator Trey Songz. R. offered this response to Mr. Songz:
“I was pretty numb. I don’t feel those type of things. It’s like I’m bulletproof when it comes to beef. I don’t deal with beef, I love steak.”
As if that sentence wasn’t R. Kelly-ey enough, he then underwent throat surgery, and emerged with this new song thanking his doctors and God and telling all his haters to shut up (the song is literally called “Shut Up!”, and he says “Shut Up” many times in the chorus):
We will not tell you to shut up, R. PLEASE KEEP SAYING AND DOING THINGS IN 2012! Sincerely, The World (And Beyond).