We’re less than 60 hours into the new year, and there have already been a ton of ups and downs in the world of Celebrity Love.
ARETHA FRANKLIN: Yes, Rethie got engaged this weekend! To her man, “longtime friend” William “Willie” “Catfish” “Will.I.Am” Wilkerson. Guess he finally gave her the RESPECT she deserves! — Every joke on Twitter since 1/1/12. Aretha, 69, and Willllll have been friends for many years, and it looks like they want to take their friendship to the next level, Virgin Diaries-style. But for those of you thinking this is a shotgun wedding, don’t be fooled: Aretha insists she’s not pregnant. I think we can all agree “Phu-ewww.” Can you picture the woman breastfeeding?? I can, and on a completely separate note, remember the chocolate river in Willy Wonka? Seriously, having nothing to do with this conversation, that river looked delicious. Congrats to Aretha!
STEVEN TYLER: Yup, Steven Tyler isn’t through making giant-lipped children! He is set to marry girlfriend of 5 years Erin Brady. I don’t know ANYTHING about this couple, but based solely on the following photo, I think we can all agree these two were MFEO, straight from the mouths of Jonahs in Sleepless In Seattles:
MORE MARRIAGES, ENGAGEMENTS AND DIVORCES AHEAD!
LEBRON JAMES: LeBron finally popped the question to his high school sweetheart Savannah Brinson, throwing in a $300,000 engagement ring to sweeten the deal. They look like a perfectly lovely couple, so I will just say to them congratulations and Savannah, remember to take the ring off the sink after you wash your hands at The Cheesecake Factory NOT THAT I’M SAYING THIS HAPPENED TO ME.
MICHAEL JORDAN: On the 5th anniversary of his divorce from his wife of 17 years Juanita, Michael Jordan took a Space Needle elevator in order to get on his knee and propose to 32 year old girlfriend and model Yvette Prieto. You cut deep Michael. You cut real deep. Also congratulations! May this marriage to an unknown model last you many, many months.
JOHNNY WEIR: Ahh my favorite ice skater and also person got married to his longtime boyfriend, lawyer Victor Voronov, in a private ceremony in front of family. Johnny, whom is a delightful gentleman deserving of all things, wrote this beautiful statement about the marriage:
Marrying Victor has been the greatest moment in my life and I will work very hard to make him proud and happy. As an added benefit to all this joy, marriage gives your skin an amazing glow. I look forward to making a home for my family in Bergen County, New Jersey, and introducing my world of glitter and Faberge eggs to Victor.
I am so happy to have found my match. Finding someone to share your life with is one of the most important things a human can do and was preached to me by my mother. Victor is the epitome of a gentleman, as handsome as he is clever and loving. Our road to marriage has been a fast one, but one I never waivered on. I am honored to have been married in the great state of New York, and I hope more states pass laws allowing all Americans to be united through love and marriage.
Cuuuuuuuuute!! Johnny plans on having a big wedding in the summer, which reminds me: Johnny, if you’re reading this, I buy all my wedding gifts at Tiffany’s and would love to attend.
JAMES DURBIN: American Idol finalist and part-time Adam Lambert impersonator James Durbin tied the knot with his longtime g-fri and baby mama Heidi Lowe on New Years Eve. The couple tied the knot outside of a California redwood forest. No word if this guy was the Best Man, but I hope so…
BRANDI GLANVILLE: Our favorite reality show sewer mouth had a quickie Vegas marriage to some guy she miiiight have met on line at Nathan’s in the New York New York Casino. (I’m not saying this happened to me once, just speculating on how these two lovebirds met!! Over soggy crinklefries.) His name is Darin Harvey, he is a real man, and hopefully won’t break her other ankle Misery style. But Brandi insists the marriage was just for fun and isn’t actually legal, because, see, her and Darin are like “brother and sister.” You know, ones that sometimes kiss behind the town goat.
KATY PERRY AND RUSSELL BRAND: Well, it wasn’t all love and games in 2012, as this pretty much doomed from the start marriage (elephants at a wedding? Camman.) is officially over. Great news for Katy, who can now start dating men her own age and nationality, and even better news for Russell, who can finally find a nice equally haunting misogynistic skeleton face to settle down with. And FYI, Brand might walk away with $20 million, so somebody should probably occupy him, preferably holding a live grenade.
SINEAD O’CONNOR: Poor Sinead. Poor poor Sinead. After only 18 sweet days of a blissful marriage, she decided to call it quits with newlywed fiance Barry Herridge, saying being married to him was like “living in a coffin.” One can only hope she broke the divorce news to him with a letter that read “Nothing Compares 2 U… Except Cancer.” Apparently, things went wrong between the two when, after the wedding, Sinead went on a hunt for some drugs, when it hit her that her husband is a DRUGS COUNSELOR.
Did any of you get married, engaged, or divorced this weekend?? Let us know in the comments!