Look, we’re all feeling pretty bummed about Katy Perry and Russell Brand’s divorce, but it’d be a shame to let all those Spandex dresses and extremely tight man vests languish in the closet for too long. It’s only been a few days, but we’re going to go ahead and gently push these baby birds out of their break-up Snuggies and back into the dating world. Besides Rihanna and Florence Welch, of course, here are our recommendations for the very special men and women that can distract Katy and Russell from their respective heartaches. Or at least show them a good time. And, at the end of the day, isn’t that basically the same thing?
If Katy is looking for something casual and fun after the pain of a divorce, there are few men as casual and fun as Ashton Kutcher. Maybe a little too casual and fun, so clearly this is for rebounding only. If Katy’s into something a little more long term, might we suggest Jonah Hill? He’s looking real good this year, she probably already knows him from Russell’s work in Get Him To The Greek and we are 98% he’s not a former drug and sex addict. If Perry is hoping for a collabo both into and outside the bedroom, she and Drake could definitely make beautiful music together. Beautiful boning music.
As for Brand’s future lady friend, the first answer is obvious: Helen Mirren. Russell and the Dame have been publicly flirting forever. Yes, we know Helen is technically married, but she also has an Oscar for Best Actress. We’re pretty sure that gives her a freebie. It’s in the Academy’s bylaws. If Helen’s husband isn’t down with that, might we suggest Rashida Jones? Not only is the woman stunning, she’s also sardonic and smart as a whip, two qualities that a dry wit like Brand might be into. If Russell’s looking for ladies who skew more Perry-esque, Zooey Deschanel is single, ready-to-mingle, and basically looks like Katy in a Peter Pan collar. If it’s the catsuits and vocal gymnastics Russell likes, Jessie J has star power similar to his ex. Plus the woman even looks good in an air cast! What do you think? Who would you set Katy and Russell up with, if you were a less horrible version of Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger?
[Photo: Getty Images]