Beyoncé Forced To Give Up Baby To The Witch Who Granted Her Fame

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From The Onion comes this distressing breaking news that we all knew was coming but didn’t want to face: The witch who granted Beyoncé her magically flawless singing voice has unfortunately returned to claim her first born child, as per a fame-making deal struck between Beyoncé and the witch fifteen years ago.

Poor Blue Ivy Carter – we all knew your mother was a little too perfect to be true, but we’re sorry it’s come to this. At least you have your touching new Jay-Z song and today’s excellent New York Post cover

(Via the Entertainment / Witch correspondant himself, @gabeliedman)

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