Beyoncé Forced To Give Up Baby To The Witch Who Granted Her Fame


From The Onion comes this distressing breaking news that we all knew was coming but didn’t want to face: The witch who granted Beyoncé her magically flawless singing voice has unfortunately returned to claim her first born child, as per a fame-making deal struck between Beyoncé and the witch fifteen years ago.

Poor Blue Ivy Carter – we all knew your mother was a little too perfect to be true, but we’re sorry it’s come to this. At least you have your touching new Jay-Z song and today’s excellent New York Post cover

(Via the Entertainment / Witch correspondant himself, @gabeliedman)

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