From The Onion comes this distressing breaking news that we all knew was coming but didn’t want to face: The witch who granted Beyoncé her magically flawless singing voice has unfortunately returned to claim her first born child, as per a fame-making deal struck between Beyoncé and the witch fifteen years ago.
Poor Blue Ivy Carter – we all knew your mother was a little too perfect to be true, but we’re sorry it’s come to this. At least you have your touching new Jay-Z song and today’s excellent New York Post cover…
(Via the Entertainment / Witch correspondant himself, @gabeliedman)
