Oscars Snub Michael Fassbender; Are Officially Dead To Me

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It’s a veritable Christmas morning for Hollywood today, as at 5 AM, a small, exclusive lucky group of folks were awoken to telephone calls congratulating them on their Oscar nominations. Ah yes, the Academy Awards, America’s most cherished ass kissing festival, where celebrities get showered with gifts, attention, fine foods and good wine, while we sit in our dimly lit offices shoveling the same mixed salad we’ve been eating every day for years into our mouths despite the fact that somehow we seem to be gaining weight. (Too personal, I digress. Snap out of it! — Cher)

Anyway, today is that day of initial glee so many lucky folks in Hollywood will awake to. And then, of course, you have those that get famously snubbed. Ignored. Overlooked. Forgotten. No giftbag for you. Charlize Theron in Young Adult?

Ryan Gosling???? You better Drive your ass out of here cause you’ve been

The very handsome writer and director of The Help, Tate Taylor? Hate to be the one to break the news, but you’re getting Tatey Taylor Snubbed Bye:

Albert Brooks already knows what I’m going to say to him, doesn’t he?

Hol up… where the HELL is Uggie on this list???

Tin Tin? For God’s Sake… don’t tell me they snubbed Tin Tin.

Yes, the Academy takes no prisoners this year, as many of our favorite performances (NOT EVEN TIN TIN?!) were left on the cutting room floor. But no snub matches the length and girth of the following one, because our beloved Michael Fassbender was left out of the Best Actor running for his penis’ star performance in Shame, aka Classy Art House Mom Porn.

Hey Academy, do you think it’s easy showing off your shvanz for the cameras for hours on end? It isn’t. Trust me. I would know. (I wouldn’t.) Fassbender is one of the most exciting and excitable actors working today. Plus, he has legs like former American president Abraham Lincoln. Doesn’t that count for anything these days?

I can’t even lie… I haven’t seen Shame yet. The reason being I’m pretty sure it’s still illegal to pleasure oneself at the Arclight Cinemas on Sunset. (Wait, it’s legal now? BRB.) But you can believe that once Shame is out on DVD, I will be “live-streaming” it (don’t even know what this innuendo means but it stays) into my home, riiiight after I’m done watching this for the 10,000th time.

Looking over the list of Oscar Nominees, which are posted below, there are some great movies nominated — happy to see The Artist get some love, as well as the wonderful women in The Help, and Melissa McCarthy (!!!) and the writers of Bridesmaids – but there are also some real “confusers.” Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close, aka Precocious: Based on the Novel by Sapphire, looks HORRENDY, and as much as I am deeply in love with my fellow cripple Brad Pitt, The Tree Of Life was on Norbit Sequel levels for me.

In other words, the Oscars are the same as they are every year: Snobby, elite, old, and devoid of any Fassbender penis. Shame, indeed. On YOU, Academy Members. “For I have seen the nipple on your soul!” — Elaine Benes.

Below, a near complete list of the Oscar Nominees (let’s face it, the ones we care about).

Best Picture

“The Artist” Thomas Langmann, Producer
“The Descendants” Jim Burke, Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor, Producers
“Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close” Scott Rudin, Producer
“The Help” Brunson Green, Chris Columbus and Michael Barnathan, Producers
“Hugo” Graham King and Martin Scorsese, Producers
“Midnight in Paris” Letty Aronson and Stephen Tenenbaum, Producers
“Moneyball” Michael De Luca, Rachael Horovitz and Brad Pitt, Producers
“The Tree of Life” Nominees to be determined
“War Horse” Steven Spielberg and Kathleen Kennedy, Producers

Actor in a Leading Role

Demián Bichir in “A Better Life”
George Clooney in “The Descendants”
Jean Dujardin in “The Artist”
Gary Oldman in “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy”
Brad Pitt in “Moneyball”

Actress in a Leading Role

Glenn Close in “Albert Nobbs”
Viola Davis in “The Help”
Rooney Mara in “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”
Meryl Streep in “The Iron Lady”
Michelle Williams in “My Week with Marilyn”

Actor in a Supporting Role

Kenneth Branagh in “My Week with Marilyn”
Jonah Hill in “Moneyball”
Nick Nolte in “Warrior”
Christopher Plummer in “Beginners”
Max von Sydow in “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close”

Actress in a Supporting Role

Bérénice Bejo in “The Artist”
Jessica Chastain in “The Help”
Melissa McCarthy in “Bridesmaids”
Janet McTeer in “Albert Nobbs”
Octavia Spencer in “The Help”

Animated Feature Film

“A Cat in Paris” Alain Gagnol and Jean-Loup Felicioli
“Chico & Rita” Fernando Trueba and Javier Mariscal
“Kung Fu Panda 2″ Jennifer Yuh Nelson
“Puss in Boots” Chris Miller
“Rango” Gore Verbinski

Cinematography

“The Artist” Guillaume Schiffman
“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” Jeff Cronenweth
“Hugo” Robert Richardson
“The Tree of Life” Emmanuel Lubezki
“War Horse” Janusz Kaminski

Costume Design

“Anonymous” Lisy Christl
“The Artist” Mark Bridges
“Hugo” Sandy Powell
“Jane Eyre” Michael O’Connor
“W.E.” Arianne Phillips

Directing

“The Artist” Michel Hazanavicius
“The Descendants” Alexander Payne
“Hugo” Martin Scorsese
“Midnight in Paris” Woody Allen
“The Tree of Life” Terrence Malick

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

“The Descendants” Screenplay by Alexander Payne and Nat Faxon & Jim Rash
“Hugo” Screenplay by John Logan
“The Ides of March” Screenplay by George Clooney & Grant Heslov and Beau Willimon
“Moneyball” Screenplay by Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin. Story by Stan Chervin
“Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy” Screenplay by Bridget O’Connor & Peter Straughan

Writing (Original Screenplay)

“The Artist” Written by Michel Hazanavicius
“Bridesmaids” Written by Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig
“Margin Call” Written by J.C. Chandor
“Midnight in Paris” Written by Woody Allen
“A Separation” Written by Asghar Farhadi

Film Editing

“The Artist” Anne-Sophie Bion and Michel Hazanavicius
“The Descendants” Kevin Tent
“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall
“Hugo” Thelma Schoonmaker
“Moneyball” Christopher Tellefsen

Foreign Language Film

“Bullhead” Belgium
“Footnote”
“In Darkness” Poland
“Monsieur Lazhar” Canada
“A Separation” Iran

Makeup

“Albert Nobbs” Martial Corneville, Lynn Johnston and Matthew W. Mungle
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2″ Edouard F. Henriques, Gregory Funk and Yolanda Toussieng
“The Iron Lady” Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland

Music (Original Score)

“The Adventures of Tintin” John Williams
“The Artist” Ludovic Bource
“Hugo” Howard Shore
“Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy” Alberto Iglesias
“War Horse” John Williams

Music (Original Song)

“Man or Muppet” from “The Muppets” Music and Lyric by Bret McKenzie
“Real in Rio” from “Rio” Music by Sergio Mendes and Carlinhos Brown Lyric by Siedah Garrett