50 Reasons The Oscars Don’t Matter Anymore

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The Academy Award nominations were announced yesterday, and we couldn’t help but notice an extreme oversight: No mention of Michael Fassbender’s penis’ amazing work in the sex-fueled thriller Shame. Now if you know me, and your name is Michael Fassbender, than this is a dream and I should probably gather my things and leave before he wakes up. If this is real life, however, then you know that my love for Faszy (Hungarian for “penisy”) is as infinite as his icy blue gaze. And his penis’ star turn in Shame should have easily nabbed him a nomination, if only for the benefit of Billy Crystal’s team of jokewriters.

But alas, Fassbender was left out in the cold, his abs just shivering, his penis… still probably pretty big, as he feels what it’s like to be out of Hollywood’s glow. It is because of this snub that it hit us… The Oscars have lost their meaning. And here are 50 Reasons Why. And Fassy, if you’re reading this, I’m just making coffee in the other room. Be back in a second baaabe. *leaves rose on pillow*

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Half the list comes from 50 Reasons Michael Fassbender Is The Sexiest Man Alive. Photos for the rest of the list via Getty.

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