Adam Sandler, the fate of our childhood rests in your hands. Variety reports that Sandler and the hand inside Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, Robert Smigel, are currently in final talks to write the live-action Candy Land movie. “Candy Land is more than just a game. It is a brand that children, parents and grandparents know and love,” said Columbia Pictures’ Doug Belgrad of the deal. “The world of Candy Land offers an extraordinary canvas upon which to create a fantastical, live-action family adventure film with a larger than life part for Adam.” We would totally agree…if Sandler’s last movie, the cross-dressing extravaganza Jack and Jill, didn’t have a 3 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Or if it had made all its money back. Or if we hadn’t spent every day playing Candy Land after school as innocent children. So with that in mind, here are just a few helpful tips we’d like to offer Mr. Sandler as he starts to write the script. Don’t even make us tell you no fat suits:
- No drag. None. Not a girdle or fake bosom or a 5 o’clock shadow expertly covered up with HD makeup. You will not play Grandma Nutt with a slight lisp.
- Just go ahead and cast Katy Perry as Queen Frostine. She already has the wig, she has extensive Gummi bear-wrangling experience and she probably has a lot of thoughts on how to make the whole thing a lot sexier. No, that does not include David Spade slipping on a whip-cream bazooka bra. What did we say about drag? It’s like we’re talking to a delicious gingerbread wall here!
- Most importantly, this is a kids’ movie. While Robert DeNiro was the highlight of Jack & Jill and would make an excellent Lord Licorce, we do not need to see him break a chair over a woman’s head. Or try to seduce you…in drag. Oh, did we not mention we paid money to see Jack & Jill in the theater? All of our opinions are based on pure hard fact!
- Kevin James is your Gloppy the Molassess Monster. Aaaaaaaand your hardest casting decision is done.
[Photo: Getty Images]