By Rachel Zarrell
Last night’s Jersey Shore episode was called “Nothing But Nice,” but it should’ve been titled “Nothing But Disgusting” with all of the talk of Snooki’s nether regions, Mike’s unfortunate wardrobe malfunction and, well some straight-up pee. Here’s a countdown of the most nauseating moments:
5. Snooki Is a Carnival Ride: This was a quick moment, but a stomach-churning one nonetheless. While the kids are getting ready to go to Jenks for some mid-day boozing, Deena bounces on Snooki’s stomach with her junk in her face. Snooki says what’s on everyone’s mind: “I’m going to throw up!”
4. Snooki Is House-Trained: When all the bathrooms are taken, Snooki (the family dog) heads to the porch to squat beneath the stairs. Afterward, she attempts to cover the mess with some unfortunate soul’s shorts. “They pee outside and drink out of bowls, we don’t need pets.” Well said, Pauly.
3. Deena’s Dirty Locks: A knotted, mangy mess, much like Deena herself. It looked like someone swiped a wad of hair from a drain, bleached some of it blond, and stuck a hair clip on it. Did Snooki pee on those too?
2. “Gym, Tan … I Need Some Clearasil”: Actually, what Mike needs when he utters this phrase is to zip up his fly, because he’s breaking out of his pants. The faux pas goes on way longer than it should, with Snooki and Deena having a full conversation with him about his ulterior motives (deja vu, anyone?), seemingly unaware that the Situation Family Jewels are on display. Finally, unlikely voice of reason JWoww comes in and announces, “Oh my God, your drawers are down!” Thank God for censors.
1. Snooki Is Not House-Trained: OK, UTIs are unpleasant, but what’s worse than trying to get your groove on in the club and ending up splashing around in a puddle of meatball pee? When the whole house heads to Karma, Snooki is getting down with her bad self and suddenly announces: “Dude, I peed everywhere.” After heading into the bathroom and spraying about 40 spritzes of perfume around her crotch, but not going anywhere near an actual bathroom stall or soap, Snookster heads back into the party. “If you spray perfume and take a Shore shower, that’s still considered a shower,” she says. As she’s apt to do, Snooki doesn’t tell anyone except JWoww and Deena about her leak, leaving the scene of the crime without cleaning up her mess.
Honorable mention: An Anatomy Lesson: After appropriately calling herself “a dirty little rat” on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live, Snooki says she got the UTI from “butt sex or something.” Glad she cleared up that medical mystery.
Related: Gary Oldman’s Jersey Shore Recap: Tinkle Tailor Snooki UTI